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By Amy Quinn, MA, MS, LMFT
In light of recent developments with the rapid spread of the coronavirus, many parents are now working at home while at the same time schooling their children at home. There is little opportunity to leave the house and engage in activities that were once a part of the normal routine for separating from the daily stress of work or school life. Now more than ever, seeking to achieve separation from work for adults as well as school for kids requires purposeful action. Dealing with job or school demands can drain an individual’s resources. If these resources are not replenished during recovery time, then the person is at risk for burnout. Burnout is a condition that affects employees when they are under stress over long periods. Burnout is the result of depleted resources due to job demand and little or no action in replenishing these resources. Two major features of burnout include emotional exhaustion and feeling ineffective in one’s ability to perform their job duties (Greenberg, 2002). In order to prevent parents from burning out from the increased demands of their new responsibilities of schooling their children at home and possibly maintaining their own work, one can apply burnout prevention research to their current situation. In addition, children can adopt these strategies in their daily routine to keep mentally and physically healthy during this time. The most replenishing activities for a person in their recovery time, according to research, includes taking frequent breaks, psychological detachment, relaxation, and mastery and control (Brough et al., 2014). 4 TIPS FOR WORK-LIFE BALANCE AMID THE COVID-19 PANDEMIC Tip 1: Take frequent breaks throughout the day and on weekends. Why: Dealing with job demands can drain an individual’s resources, which are replenished during recovery time. Research indicates that breaks throughout the work day and on weekends are crucial to surviving stress (Landsbergis et al., 2012). How to do this during mandatory stay at home orders: Do Cardiovascular activities for short spurts throughout the day. Take a walk, ride a bike, or go for a run. If you can’t go outside, try finding a workout video that incorporates exercise you can do in your home. Do Use your weekends to recover from work and school stress. If you can go outside with the family, spend time riding bikes, going for walks, or doing an outdoor activity like playing catch. If you cannot go outside, play card games, board games, charades, or activities that provide your brain a way to detach from work or school stress (Csikszentmihalyi & LeFevre, 1989). Don’t Do homework or work on weekends. If possible, don’t check work emails during the weekend. If your situation does not allow for this, try to designate one hour each day of the weekend to not engage in work or school activities. Tip 2: Psychologically detach from work and school. Why: Sonnentag and Fritz (2007) found that people who were able to detach from their jobs (i.e. turn on the off button) after working had higher well-being. These people were also more satisfied with their jobs and experienced less emotional exhaustion and burnout. While we currently can’t physically leave our office place or home school, there are scheduling segmentation tactics that we can implement during the work day to prevent work-related issues from intruding into recovery time. How to do this during mandatory stay at home orders: Do Find a time during the day where you “leave work” or “leave school.” Perhaps you make an announcement to your kids, “School is over for the day!” For yourself, maybe you have a designated time during the day or evening where you stop working and don’t come back to your work until the next day. Do Schedule times of the day where you allow yourself alone time. If your situation prevents you from having alone time due to the age of your children, perhaps turn on a screen for your children for an hour so that you can temporarily detach from your demands. Don’t Check work emails before bed, and if possible, don’t keep your phone on at night. This allows for sleep cycles (an important recovery time) to be uninterrupted by outside demands. Tip 3: Meditate. Why: Research on worrying—a concept linked with hindering detachment—has shown that the amount of time people spend worrying can be reduced by intervention strategies (Sliter et al., 2014). One way to reduce worry is to implement meditation and breathing strategies when feeling overwhelmed. Do Incorporate breathing exercises and meditation strategies throughout the day. There are mindfulness apps, videos on YouTube, and social media personalities that provide free breathing and meditation exercises to utilize during the day. Do Have your children participate in breathing exercises, meditation strategies, and yoga practice. Several free YouTube videos have yoga exercises designed for children. Don’t Use an excess of substances such as alcohol or cannabis. Despite the immediate effects substances can have in easing anxiety, the persistent use of this in excess over time may actually cause a person to feel more anxious and more depressed. In addition, it can prevent a person from learning to manage their stress and anxiety through healthier coping strategies like exercise and meditation (Amen & Amen, 2018). Tip 4: Master something. Why: Another important element of detachment from work is mastery. At work, we are often expected to be in control of our reactions, emotions, and actions. Successful recovery involves doing an activity that keeps us from thinking about the demands of work, giving us the opportunity to “let loose” and let go of that element of control. Some good activities for this include creative endeavors, sporting activities, and learning options (Hahn et al., 2011). Do Try to master an activity unrelated to work or school. Perhaps it is a musical instrument, a sport, art, a blog, or a dance routine. Research shows that these types of activities allow the brain to detach from outside demands and use creative regions in the brain that are not utilized during school or work activities. Do Encourage your family members to engage in their own mastery activities. Don’t Use social media as a mastery activity. Mastery involves control over one’s activities, and often, social media is a place that one cannot control their environment or what comes across on their daily news feed. Try to avoid using social media as your only outlet from work or school demands. In fact, many studies have indicated that people who spend more time on social media have increased rates of depression (Chowdhry, 2016). While these strategies seem simple, how often do we implement them? Difficulty managing stress has been linked to burnout, physical health problems, and mental health problems. By implementing small changes throughout your day, you can help prevent poor health outcomes for you and your family members. We may not be able to control what happens in our day-to-day experiences at home, but we can implement daily, practical interventions that lead to overall well-being during this challenging time. If you are having a hard time coping with the current demands of your work or family life, please consider talking to a therapist. References:
© Copyright 2020 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved. Permission to publish granted by Amy Quinn, MA, MS, LMFT, therapist in Newport Beach, California The question, "Have you seen your therapist lately?" is becoming as outdated as the handshake or the high-five.
Fortunately, for those in need of psychological services during this time of crisis, other options are available. It is becoming normal, for instance, for patients to phone, text, and video chat with therapists. In fact, the shift from in-person to online or phone therapy was in full swing before COVID-19 even entered the equation. And more therapists are taking to Instagram and other social media platforms to grow their online therapy and coaching businesses. It is not uncommon to find therapists with over 50,000 Instagram followers. While it is unlikely that traditional therapy and counseling services will ever fully go away (they still serve an important function in the delivery and administration of psychological services, especially for high-risk patient populations), even traditional therapy is starting to mobilize. Co-working spaces designed specifically for mental health professionals are starting to pop up around the country. One such space is The Collaborative in Miami, Florida, run by Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Psychology Today contributor Whitney Goodman. These co-working spaces help therapists stay flexible as they transition their businesses to meet the demand for remote therapy services. It also gives therapists an opportunity to network with other therapists. With quarantines and mandatory confinements in full swing, even therapists who were traditionally opposed to administering therapy outside of an office setting are now embracing teletherapy out of necessity. Online therapy is not without its challenges. There are, for instance, some important privacy issues to navigate. Certain modes of online communication, such as FaceTime, are not HIPAA compliant while others, such as Doxy.me and Zoom for healthcare, are. What does the research say about the effectiveness of online therapy and teletherapy versus face-to-face therapy? Overall, the evidence is encouraging. A 2012 JAMA article found that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy was equally effective when administered via telephone as it was when administered face-to-face. Moreover, the researchers found the client attrition rate to be lower for teletherapy — probably because it is more convenient for patients. Mindfulness interventions are also being increasingly delivered via the internet. A 2016 meta-analysis found that online mindfulness-based interventions generally have a small but significantly beneficial impact on depression. Another study found teletherapy to be as good traditional therapy for treating depression, if not better. And this is not to mention the other benefits of teletherapy: it's more affordable, more convenient, most patients consider it more private than traditional therapy, and it vastly expands the number of therapists patients can choose to work with. Sometimes, it takes a profound "shock to the system" to usher in a new way of doing things. In the case of online therapy, coronavirus may have done just that. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/social-instincts/202003/will-covid-19-make-teletherapy-the-rule-not-the-exception  Downsizing can be a smart move for seniors, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. Moving to a new home is a major life change, so don’t be surprised if your emotions are all over the place. Our goal is to simply guide you through the process. The following resources will help you handle everything that comes your way, including both the practical and personal issues involved. Before You Move - Planning and Budget Considerations 5 Signs It’s Time to Downsize Your Home Downsizing After Retirement: House, Apartment, or Retirement Community? 8 Tips for Finding Affordable Housing in Retirement How Much Does It Cost To Move? ($602 to $1,641 on Avg.) 14 Costs of Selling a House You Should Prepare For Downsizing Your Possessions to Fit Your New Space Why It’s Hard to Let Go of Clutter How to Get Rid of Stuff You Don’t Want to Move Use Affordable Storage to Store Belongings ($72.27 Avg. Price) 8 Simple Steps to Mindfully Declutter Your Home Before Moving Moving Checklist: Tips to Prepare You for Moving Day Overcoming the Ups and Downs of Downsizing Tips to Cope When It’s Time to Downsize How to Help an Elderly Loved One Downsize Here’s the Low-Down on Down-Sizing Downsizing, 5 Years Later: Any Regrets? 50 Ways to Make New Friends After 50 Remember that going through these ups and downs is to be expected when making any big life change. Change is hard - maybe even more so for seniors. Change is also positive, though. Stay focused on the light at the end of the tunnel - AND the new possibilities that lie ahead. Photo credit: Unsplash Information provided by Andrea Needham By Margot Starbuck
The World Health Organization has coached us about how to avoid contracting and spreading the coronavirus to stay physically healthy. But what about attending to our mental health in the midst of the current outbreak? How do we stay emotionally healthy when many around us are fearful? Today I am scheduled to drop my 21-year-old daughter at the airport to embark on a two-week trip through a number of European countries. To date, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has not issued travel warnings for any of her destinations. Should she choose to travel over her spring break voyage this evening, a lot of us who love her will need tools to manage our own stress and anxiety about the coronavirus. Here are some strategies that I’ve been using that may help you, too. Pay Attention to Your Body and Your Emotions It’s natural to experience stress and anxiety in the face of a threat we cannot control. Because every person reacts differently, notice what your body and emotions are telling you:
Embrace Best Health Practices Though there’s much about the coronavirus outbreak over which you have no control, you can choose to embrace the kinds of practices that will keep you and your loved ones safe. The CDC suggests:
Access Reliable Resources You can choose how you will receive and consume information about the outbreak. If you rely on panicked phone calls from your anxious loved ones, you’re likely to suffer more than if you choose to rely on credible sources. Two reliable sources for health news include the CDC and the World Health Organization. If you become consumed by breaking news about the spread of the coronavirus, you can also choose to step away from media reports for a time. At the same time, if you find yourself feeling overwhelmed by the news or compulsively checking the news, then you need to take a break and set limits for yourself. Share Reliable Information Another way to care for yourself is to care for others by sharing the best information you’ve discovered. When you find a reputable resource that’s particularly helpful, share it with a loved one. When you learn about practices that keep people safe, let a relative who is vulnerable to illness know. In a culture where people are feeling anxious, you can be a gift to others. Practice Self-Care In the midst of a stressful season or situation, many self-care practices are the same ones that prove helpful in everyday living:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hope-resilience/202003/how-stay-emotionally-healthy-during-the-coronavirus-outbreak Raising a Spiritual Child in an Age of Overindulgence
Spiritual children are less likely to use drugs, be depressed or have risky sex. By David J Bredehoft Ph.D. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-age-overindulgence/201904/raising-spiritual-child-in-age-overindulgence Parents want their children to be happy and successful. They want them to thrive. In addition, many parents want to encourage their children’s spirituality. Why is this? Research shows that children who have positive active relationships to spirituality are 40 percent less likely to use and abuse substances, 60 percent less likely to be depressed as teenagers, and 80 percent less likely to have dangerous or unprotected sex compared with other teenagers. Source: Samuel Silitonga/Pexels, CC0 LicenseWhat Is Spirituality?"Spirituality is a broad concept with room for many perspectives. In general, it includes a sense of connection to something bigger than ourselves, and it typically involves a search for meaning in life.” Dr. Lisa Miller, in her book titled The Spiritual Child: The New Science on Parenting for Health and Lifelong Thriving defines spirituality this way: “Spirituality is an inner sense of relationship to a higher power that is loving and guiding. The word we give to this higher power might be God, nature, spirit, the universe, the creator, or other words that represent a divine presence. But the important point is that spirituality encompasses our relationship and dialogue with this higher presence.” Children often look to parents to take the lead. This may be true with spirituality too. According to a Pew Research Center study in 2014, the majority of adults (59 percent) ages 18 and above experience feelings of spiritual peace and well-being at least once a week while 46 percent of adults experience a sense of wonder about the universe weekly; plus, 35 percent of adults read scripture and 36 percent attend religious services weekly while 55 percent pray daily. Characteristics of a Spiritual ChildCan parents raise a spiritual child? Dr. Lisa Miller believes parents can do just that. In a Time essay, she says: “The natural spirituality of children and young people can be encouraged and fostered by such steps as meditation, prayer, or long walks in nature where a sense of transcendence can be engaged. Parents can demonstrate approval for (and model) such traits as caring for others, empathy, or optimism.” The spiritual child has a number of unique qualities that parents can foster and encourage. What Does a Spiritual Child Look Like?The spiritual child:
In the first study, we found that individuals who were overindulged as children were more likely to grow up wanting the most money and owning the most expensive possessions. They were not interested in meaningful relationships, a meaningful life, or making society better unless they got something out of it. In the second study, we found that children who were overindulged grew up to be adults who lacked self-control, who were, materialistic, unappreciative, ungrateful, and less happy than those that were not overindulged. In the third study, we found that adults who were overindulged as children feel entitled to more of everything they deserve. They were not interested in spiritual growth. They have difficulties finding meaning in times of hardship, and they are less apt to develop a personal relationship with a power greater than themselves. The point: Childhood overindulgence and materialism become major roadblocks to spirituality. Can Parents Raise a Spiritual Child in an Age of Overindulgence? Yes, I believe that parents can, but the task will be challenging. Parents will have to be vigilant because overindulgence is the new normal and materialism in our culture is one of the major culprits feeding the urge to overindulge. Parents can raise a spiritual child. When Your Spouse Is Mentally Ill How do you know? What do you do By Catherine Aponte Psy.D. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/marriage-equals/202002/when-your-spouse-is-mentally-ill Everyone has personal issues that we collectively describe as our insecurities that may affect our marital relationships. Most of us can learn to manage such insecurities, often with help, so that we lessen their impact on our marriages. However, self-management of personal insecurities is not the way to deal with significant emotional and/or mental impairments that a partner may have, such as bipolar disorder, debilitating anxiety, clinical depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, schizophrenia, alcoholism, drug addiction, and serious personality disorders such as narcissism, paranoia, and borderline personality.
If your spouse is engaging in actions and behaviors that are detrimental to establishing a successful marriage beyond the general insecurities, it’s important to recognize that—and to respond to it appropriately. You may choose to stay in the marriage. You may find it necessary to think about how and when to divorce your mentally ill spouse. Either way, it’s important to have some idea of what to do if you believe your partner is suffering from a mental/emotional illness. How Do You Know? How do you know and what do you do when your wife or husband suffers from mental illness?[1] How can you tell the difference between a series of bad days and a real problem? When repetitious arguments, unfounded accusations, lengthy withdrawals from the relationship, unwillingness or inability to discuss important issues, and/or standoffs between the two of you persist despite your efforts to engage your spouse, you must consider the possibility that serious problems are occurring. Excesses in behaviors can also be warning signs—being obsessed with ritual cleanliness, withdrawing completely from sexual contact, staying up all night and not being able to function the next day, and excessive drinking or drugging are examples of problematic behavior. When problems like this continue to occur in your marriage despite repeated attempts to identify and discuss issues that bother your spouse, it may be that something other than marital disagreement is occurring. Taking the First Step So, what can you do if you think your husband or wife may be suffering from mental illness or serious psychological problems? You can take a page from what we have learned about confronting the problem of alcoholism or drug addiction. Here are the suggested steps you can take:
How to Live with a Mentally Ill Spouse Living with a spouse who is mentally ill will be challenging. The condition from which your spouse is suffering will determine what steps you’ll need to take in order to live with and to help him/her. You will find a list of articles on dealing with spouses with specific illnesses at the end of this article. It is important to learn as much as you can about the particular condition you are dealing with to know how to help your spouse manage his/her illness and how to take care of yourself in the process. If your spouse neither recognizes his/her illness nor is willing to seek individual or marital therapy, the situation for you is difficult. You must seek professional help for yourself in this situation, work hard to maintain your own work and social life, stay informed about your spouse’s illness, and seek out personal support from friends and family. If your spouse continues to refuse to own their illness, however, it is likely that at some point, you will consider divorce. When to Consider Divorce Deciding to divorce a spouse who has a mental illness is a painful and complex decision. There will be enormous social pressure and guilt in deciding to end your marriage to someone who is mentally ill. You took those wedding vows to be married “in sickness and in health,” after all. Here are some suggestions for you to consider if you ever find yourself in this situation.
Don't Let Keeping Secrets Become Divisive to Your Family
Millions of people keep at least 5 secrets they've never told anyone. Jennifer Guttman Psy.D. https://www.weebly.com/editor/main.php#/ Millions of people keep a range of secrets from each other with the best of intentions, but secret-keeping can often have serious and damaging negative outcomes, especially to families. Psychologists Slepian, Chun, and Mason of Columbia University found that people keep an average of 13 secrets at a time, five of which they have never told anyone. Some of the most significant secrets fall into categories such as illegal and criminal activity, infidelity, financial problems, or a family member’s substance abuse or death from a drug overdose. They also found that carrying secrets correlates with a negative sense of well-being. There is a difference between having certain things you want to keep private to yourself versus a family secret. Individuals do have the right to maintain their autonomy in a family by having privacy. However, it becomes an issue when the topic they’re keeping private has reverberations that could impact other family members such as in the issues delineated above. The statistical data reinforces how keeping significant secrets and adversely undermine core relationships within a family. Alicia Walker of the University of Missouri’s Department of Sociology and Anthropology cited in 2017 that rates of infidelity are surprisingly high, most recently reported to be higher than 50 to 60 percent. The APA has found that infidelity is responsible for 20-40 percent of divorces in the US. In 2017, more than 70,000 people died from drug overdoses. making it a leading cause of injury-related death in the U.S. Roughly 130 Americans die every day of opioid usage. Reports show that secrecy regarding drug use followed by death by overdose arouses feelings of anger, guilt, helplessness, and deprives family members of information that could enable them to take action. An estimated 13 million Americans have hidden a bank or credit card account from a live-in significant other partner or spouse (31 percent of millennials, 24 percent of people ages 38 to 53, and 17 percent of boomers). And 80 percent of parents keep financial secrets from their adult children. In many families, secrets are kept because of fear that the receiver of the information couldn’t cope with the truth. Individuals believe that the anger, shame, humiliation, or recrimination the receiver would feel would alienate them from the family or from society. However, this backhandedly sets up a power dynamic in which the “secret keepers” have all the power in a family. This unexpressed power dynamic impacts how family members communicate with each other, typically resulting in restricted emotional communication. Here are some reasons to consider transparency instead of secret keeping: Keeping secrets destroys relationships. Psychologists Slepian, Halevy, and Galinsky, (2017) note that there is a dichotomy between secret-keeping behaviors and human beings as social creatures. In addition, they found that secret keepers had generally lower life satisfaction, and felt fatigued, lonely, sad and hostile. Keeping major secrets creates an atmosphere of mistrust in a relationship. Rebuilding trust when it’s been broken is challenging because the person who has been excluded from the information needs regular reassurance that there are no more secrets being kept. The constant need for reassurance doesn’t help build trust, it just placates fear. Resentment and suspicion are hard to overcome. Keeping secrets creates a false narrative. When secrets are kept and then revealed, those kept in the dark often feel they were living a “false” life. They become confused by what actions, reactions, and feelings were “true” and which were representative of a false reality. Because this secretive behavior was normalized, it can be repeated throughout generations as secret keeping becomes an inherent part of the family legacy. Keeping secrets can make you physically sick. Carrying secrets is a burden that causes guilt, shame, and stress, with co-occurring symptoms of anxiety such as headaches, digestive issues, and sleep problems. Internalizing problems has somatic consequences; some people may even turn to substances to manage the discomfort they experience. This further alienates them from family members. If you are considering sharing significant secrets with members of your family, here are four tips to make it easier for you: Be straightforward. Know what you need before having the conversation and ask for that. Do you need your partner to listen or advise? Reveal enough information to make the situation clear without overburdening them. Do not answer questions for which you don’t have answers; for example, if someone is very sick. “Are they going to die?” “I hope not, but honestly I don’t know, they’re very sick.” Pick a time and place that feels comfortable for you. Don’t be impulsive when revealing the secret. Be mindful of location, timing, and circumstances. Think about having a third-party present. If the information is something that might create distress between the two of you (infidelity, bankruptcy) think about the pros and cons of having a third-party present. A couple’s counselor would be a good option. Don’t ambush people to reveal secrets. Being ambushed by information leaves people feeling on unsteady and on unsafe ground with relatives. It also sends a child or adolescent (who might find out a secret during or after sleepaway camp) a message that the family didn’t think they were mature enough or strong enough to cope with the information until after it happened. This not only undermines their sense of family trust, but also their self-confidence. Even though on the front end the idea of exposing a secret may seem daunting, even terrifying, the relief people feel has been shown to have positive effects for the individual and their family. The research by Slepian, Halevy and Galinsky (2017) demonstrates that those who unburden a secret feel happier, more authentic, and closer to their family members. In addition, the benefit of teaching compassion in the face of flaw and transparency instead of secrecy is an intergenerational message you want to pass down to your family members. If you are searching for a relationship partner, or if you are currently in a relationship, is it in your best interest to maintain high standards or to relax your ideals? Research suggests that it may be better for our relationships and for our own well-being to do a little bit of both.
Maintain High Standards When we ask people which traits they see as essential in a romantic partner, they often cite characteristics such as respect, honesty, and trustworthiness (Fugère et al., 2016). In fact, these traits are associated with better relationship outcomes. Mutual respect is even more strongly linked to satisfying romantic relationships than feelings of liking and loving one another (Frei and Shaver, 2002). Further, not only does dishonesty often cause relationships to end, but increased honesty is associated with both better relationship outcomes and greater individual well-being (Brunell et al., 2010). On these essential traits, it is better for us as individuals and as couples to maintain high standards. But what about other important characteristics? Relax Your Ideals In a large international research project assessing mate preferences, respondents ranked their top three most important traits (Lippa, 2007). Across genders, sexual orientations, and cultural backgrounds, individuals rated intelligence, a good sense of humor, honesty, kindness, and good looks as the most important traits. However, there may be good reasons to relax our high standards with respect to some of these characteristics. Some characteristics may not be as important to relationship initiation or maintenance as we think they are. As part of a research project, Eastwick and colleagues (2011) created a fake profile for an interaction partner. This profile matched each participant’s most desired or least desired traits. Intuitively, participants expected to like the partner who possessed their most desired traits and dislike the partner who possessed their least desired traits. When the participants met their partner in person, the partner delivered scripted remarks which did not reflect or contradict the assigned profile. The researchers found that after meeting in person, the participants' most and least desired traits had no influence at all on participants’ actual liking for their partner. This research suggests that a match between one’s ideals and a partner’s actual characteristics is not a necessary precursor to attraction. Furthermore, in established relationships, we tend to downgrade the importance of our previous trait preferences when our mates do not possess those traits—and to upgrade the importance of the positive traits our partners actually do possess (Fletcher et al., 2000). It may be particularly beneficial to our relationships to relax our standards relating to physical attractiveness. Individuals who are attractive themselves hold higher standards with regard to partner attractiveness than their less-attractive peers. More attractive individuals not only rate others as less attractive but also expect that relationships with others will be less satisfying (Montoya, 2008). Moreover, Shaw Taylor and colleagues (2011) found that although online daters tended to contact dates who were more attractive than themselves, they were more likely to receive positive responses from dates who matched their own levels of physical attractiveness. Repeatedly being rejected by potential dates decreases our self-esteem and our perceived self-worth while also causing us to decrease our standards for relationship partners (Charlot et al., 2019). Furthermore, the more we reject others as potential partners, the more we may adopt a “rejection mind-set” which may lead to less openness to relationships in the future (Pronk and Denissen, 2019). Do Lower Standards Increase Satisfaction? In Thibaut and Kelley’s (1986) seminal book on interdependent relationships, the authors review social exchange theory, which stipulates that in any relationship we will experience both rewards and costs. However, not everyone views those rewards and costs in the same way. Thibaut and Kelley include the notion of a “comparison level” in their theory. A comparison level is roughly equivalent to your “standards” or your general expectations for your relationships. If you usually have high standards, you would tend to expect more rewards and fewer costs from your relationships, and you won’t be satisfied unless your relationships deliver increased rewards and fewer costs. You might suppose, then, that individuals would actually be more satisfied with their relationships when they have lower standards. Indeed, a person with a low comparison level expects fewer rewards from their relationships and therefore can be satisfied with a relationship which reaps fewer benefits. However, lower standards may encourage some partners to stay in very unrewarding relationships. On the whole, the research suggests that upholding some high standards and relaxing others may lead to the most rewarding relationship experiences. What is Your Partner’s Relationship Attachment Style? Understanding the four adult relationship attachment styles
By Preston Ni M.S.B.A. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201602/what-is-your-partner-s-relationship-attachment-style What is your partner’s relationship attachment style? Based on the works of Bartholomew and Horowitz, etc., there are four adult attachment styles: Secure, Anxious-Preoccupied, Dismissive-Avoidant, and Fearful-Avoidant. Most people have various degrees of the four attachment styles, which may change over time. Below are some of the most dominant traits of each attachment style in romantic relationship. "It is relatively easy for me to become emotionally close to others. I am comfortable depending on others and having others depend on me. I don’t worry about being alone or having others not accept me." — Bartholomew and Horowitz RQ Those with a strong Secure Attachment Style manifest at least a number of the following traits on a regular basis:
Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment Style "I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don’t value me as much as I value them." — Bartholomew and Horowitz RQ Those with a strong Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment Style tend to manifest at least several of the following traits on a regular basis:
Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment Style "I am comfortable without close emotional relationships. It is very important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient, and I prefer not to depend on others or have others depend on me." — Bartholomew and Horowitz RQ Those with a strong Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment Style tend to manifest at least several of the following traits on a regular basis:
"I am somewhat uncomfortable getting close to others. I want emotionally close relationships, but I find it difficult to trust others completely, or to depend on them. I sometimes worry that I will be hurt if I allow myself to become too close to others." — Bartholomew and Horowitz RQ Those with a strong Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style tend to manifest at least several of the following traits on a regular basis:
Although those who are predominantly the Secure Attachment Style tend to make strong partners, it is also possible for those who are predominantly the other three styles to be in successful relationships. Self-awareness, mutual-support, mutual willingness to grow, and courage to seek professional help when needed are some of the crucial elements to positive relational development. The absence of these elements, however, may generate issues of incompatibility in relationship. ick here to edit. By Preston Ni M.S.B.A.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201507/what-is-your-relationship-attachment-style What is your interpersonal attachment style, and how might it affect your relationship? Based on the works of Bartholomew and Horowitz, etc., there are four adult attachment styles: Secure, Anxious-Preoccupied, Dismissive-Avoidant, and Fearful-Avoidant. Most people have various degrees of the four attachment styles, which may change over time. Below are some of the most dominant traits of each type in relationships, with references from my book “7 Keys to Long-Term Relationship Success”. Secure Attachment Style Those with a strong Secure Attachment Style manifest at least a number of the following traits on a regular basis:
Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment Style Those with a strong Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment Style tend to manifest at least several of the following traits on a regular basis:
Those with a strong Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment Style tend to manifest at least several of the following traits on a regular basis:
Those with a strong Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style tend to manifest at least several of the following traits on a regular basis:
Although those who are predominantly the Secure Attachment Style tend to make strong partners, it is also possible for those who are predominantly the other three styles to be in successful relationships. Self-awareness, mutual-support, mutual willingness to grow, and courage to seek professional help when needed are some of the crucial elements to positive relational development. The absence of these elements, however, may generate issues of incompatibility in relationship. |
Michelle Stewart-Sandusky
I write articles based on my experience as a therapist or a training or conference attendee. Many of these articles are written by others who are experts in their field and I share their information as resources for others. Archives
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