By Crystal Raypole

As children get older, they begin to individuate, or develop their own unique sense of identity. As part of this normal developmental process, they begin to want more space and privacy from their parents and caregivers.
Most parents remember going through this stage themselves. But you might still feel a little uneasy, even frightened, about your teen’s increased need for privacy, especially when it comes to the internet. You love your child and want to keep them safe, and your awareness of internet predators, cyber-bullying, and other online dangers can make you wonder how it’s possible to both give them privacy and ensure their safety.
There are several ways to allow your teen a measure of privacy online but still keep them safe. We offer some guidance below.
THREATS FROM THE INTERNET
If you spend any amount of time online, you’ve probably encountered plenty of articles or social media posts about the various internet dangers that can pop up. Plenty of these threats are real, but remember to keep a realistic frame of mind. For example, some people have experienced brainwashing or fallen in with cults and religious groups online, but this isn’t a common situation. It’s far more likely your child could face harassment, be pressured for sexts, or get asked for passwords.
It’s a good idea to take steps to safeguard your child against all threats while remaining mindful of the likeliest dangers, including:

• Cyberbullying
• Catfishing, or being tricked by someone using a false identity
• Sexual exploitation
• Hacked or stolen information, like credit card numbers or passwords
• Compromised security settings or viruses
• Automatic charges in games and other apps
• Violent pornography

Other threats can become more relevant at certain times. For example, hate speech and racist ideology may increase in a divided political climate. Teenagers in the process of value formation and identity development may have higher susceptibility to harmful messages, sometimes without fully understanding the racism or hate behind them.
Some youth have increased vulnerability to certain threats. Children who spend a lot of time alone or don’t have many offline friends in their peer group may go online more than children with active offline social lives.
Online friends aren’t necessarily a bad thing. Some youth may not make friends easily or choose to avoid peers in their neighborhood or school for other reasons. However, these youth may be more vulnerable to catfishing or predators, so it’s important to familiarize them with online safety tips and potential red flags.
If your child plays video games online, their device may have a higher risk for compromised security. It’s important to familiarize yourself with the software or console they’re using and make sure recommended safety settings are in place.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR KIDS SAFE
Awareness is the first, and arguably the most important, step to becoming safer online. You can’t protect yourself from something if you don’t know what you’re up against. So start with some frank communication about the potential dangers of the internet.
Your teen may roll their eyes and say, “I know.” And chances are, they do know. Research has found evidence to suggest many teenagers are very aware of potential online threats and take steps to protect themselves.
If your teen responds in this way, play to their knowledge. Say something like, “I bet you do know! You spend more time online than I do. I’m still learning, and I want to keep all of us, and our devices, safe. What should I know about? How do you keep yourself safe online?”
Or turn it into a game. See who can come up with the longest list of threats and a precaution against each. It doesn’t matter how you increase your—and their—knowledge. What matters is that you’re both aware of what you’re facing and how to safeguard against it.
Make sure they know you’re aware cyberbullying happens and that, if they come to you after being victimized, you’ll do whatever you can to help them. Teens are more likely to open up if they trust you, so remind them they have your unconditional support.
Your teen may resist rules around technology use, especially for their smartphones, but some limits are important. These limits may vary based on your personal feelings about technology and your household setup. Here are some rules you might consider:

• Restricting bedroom phone use, especially at bedtime. Making bedrooms device-free can benefit your teen’s sleep as well as their safety.
• Encouraging them to avoid using public WiFi networks for banking or making purchases.
• Creating periodic check-ins with your child to examine their installed apps and software (without reading their messages, looking at their photos, or sifting through other private content).
• Teaching them to recognize suspicious emails or phishing scams.
• Limiting data and texting through your service provider. Research suggests this may prevent sexting more effectively than random phone checks.
• Setting guidelines around the type of content they can post publicly on social media or making sure they only “friend” people they actually know.
• Following and friending them on social media to quietly monitor potential threats or harassment.
• Having them leave their passwords in a sealed envelope so you can access their device if anything happens.

Your rules will likely also vary depending on the age of your teen. A 17-year-old using Instagram may be less concerning than a 12-year-old using the same app, so you may set more restrictive limits for the younger child.
Older teens tend to have more awareness of possible hazards of the internet and may be practiced at keeping information private and following safety precautions online. You may also feel more readily able to trust teens who demonstrate responsibility in other areas of their life.
WHY CYBER-SNOOPING OFTEN BACKFIRES
Worries about the dangers of the internet may lead some parents to heavily monitor their teen’s online use. For example, a parent who fears their teen is sexting might believe it’s safest to secretly look through their phones or go through their online history. Some parents might read through their teen’s text exchanges without their knowledge or permission.
Children, especially teenagers, need space. When adults deny them developmentally appropriate privacy, teens may react by shutting their caregivers out completely.These behaviors, though often carried out with good intentions, can have negative consequences for the relationship a parent has with their teen. Children, especially teenagers, need space. When adults deny them developmentally appropriate privacy, teens may react by shutting their caregivers out completely. They may also find other ways to get their privacy.
Think of it this way: Many parents feel as if their teenagers know more about digital technology than they do. If you’re among this group, do you doubt your internet-savvy teen’s ability to get around your restrictions? Instead of getting in their digital space, create a home environment of trust and support by making your child aware of possible dangers, then trusting them to come to you when they need help.
REBUILDING TRUST
You might struggle to allow your teen privacy online if they’ve previously enjoyed this privacy but did something to violate your trust. It’s not helpful to completely deny them privacy, but if they’ve behaved in unsafe ways online, you may need to temporarily increase your restrictions as a consequence.
You might, for example, allow them to only use their phone when you’re also present. You might also insist they do homework on a family computer instead of a laptop in their bedroom. But it’s also essential they have the opportunity to earn back trust, especially when they show remorse and a willingness to learn from their mistake. A pattern of improved behavior, including increased trustworthiness and responsibility around the house, at school, and with siblings, can demonstrate a teen is ready to earn back privacy.
If your teen has caught you snooping in their phone or computer, they may respond by withdrawing from you. You’ll need to earn back their trust if you want them to feel comfortable coming to you with concerns in the future.
It can help if you:

• Acknowledge the privacy violation.
• Explain why you felt you needed to look at their phone (without blaming your teen for your own behavior).
• Apologize.
• Make a commitment not to snoop unless you believe they’re in serious or imminent danger.

Rebuilding trust in a family can take time, and it isn’t always something you can do alone. A family therapist can help you work together to find solutions if you’re struggling with trust and boundaries.
We are becoming ever more dependent on technology, and children aren’t exempt. Letting children and teens roam the anonymous digital world can trigger just as much nervousness and fear as letting them walk out the door alone. Accept that your teens will test their limits, as this is part of growing up. But when you offer trust, treat them with respect, and engage in frequent, open communication, you can make sure they’re stepping across the lines of childhood in healthy ways, not dangerous ones.
References:

1. Anderson, M. (2019, March 22). How parents feel about – and manage – their teens’ online behavior and screen time. Pew Research Center. Retrieved from https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2019/03/22/how-parents-feel-about-and-manage-their-teens-online-behavior-and-screen-time
2. Cañares, M. (2018, September 4). Teenage clicks: Can teens protect their privacy on social media? World Wide Web Foundation. Retrieved from https://webfoundation.org/2018/09/teenage-clicks-can-teens-protect-their-privacy-on-social-media
3. Moreno M. (2014, September 4). What do teens think about online privacy? On the Pulse. Retrieved from https://pulse.seattlechildrens.org/what-do-teens-think-about-online-privacy
4. Privacy tips for teens. (n.d.). National Cyber Security Alliance. Retrieved from https://staysafeonline.org/stay-safe-online/managing-your-privacy/privacy-tips-teens
5. What sort of online dangers are teens exposed to on the web? (2018, October 25). SecureTeen. Retrieved from https://www.secureteen.com/online-parental-controls/what-sort-of-online-dangers-are-teens-exposed-to-on-the-web
6. Williams, A. (2015, January 22). How to protect your teen’s privacy online. Family Online Safety Institute. Retrieved from https://www.fosi.org/good-digital-parenting/helping-parents-protect-teen-privacy-online-

© Copyright 2019 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved.
Original article: ​https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/how-much-privacy-should-teens-have-in-digital-age-1213197

By Manuel A. Manotas, PsyD, Mindfulness-Based Approaches/Contemplative Approaches Topic Expert Contributor

One of the principal aspects of mindfulness is acceptance of one’s experience in the present moment. This practice has numerous mental health benefits—but as you may have realized, it is easier said than done. When our experience is pleasant, it is easy for us to accept it; if our experience is unpleasant, we naturally want to reject it.
Why would we want to stay with unpleasant feelings? Humans naturally try to repress, distract from, project, or employ other defense mechanisms in order to not feel what is unpleasant. This obviously has degrees, and the more painful an experience is, the harder our systems work to get it out of our consciousness. So here we are, told that we need to “be with our experience,” yet our natural tendency is to run away from it. What to do?
The good news is that as we develop our capacity to be with our experience, it becomes easier. It’s much like going to the gym: initially it is very hard and we resist it, but the more we train, the easier it gets and the more we actually want to do it. When we begin to sense and feel the benefits of being with ourselves, we naturally begin to do it without as much effort.
Here are some ways to make the process easier:

1. START EXACTLY WHERE YOU ARE
This is probably the most important aspect of being able to be with our experience. As much as we might like to, we simply cannot bypass our experience and be in an idealized place we think we should be. To work with any internal state, we have to be exactly where we are.
For example, we may be feeling a difficult emotion such as disgust, but then may also have a strong reaction to the disgust. We have to work with the reaction before we can really focus on the disgust. If we try to bypass the reaction by saying something like, “I need to accept my disgust,” then we are missing our reactivity. And that is the first layer we need to be with.

2. ALLOW RATHER THAN ACCEPT
Similar to the previous point, we cannot force our acceptance of something; we can only have a disposition or attitude toward it. If we are feeling something difficult and telling ourselves, “I need to accept it,” we likely won’t be able to do it.
In a way, acceptance happens on its own and in its own time. The best we can do is try our best to allow: we allow the fact we don’t want to accept whatever feelings we have. We may say something like, “I don’t like this feeling of sadness and I’ll try to be with it, even if I don’t want to feel it.” At the same time, we also allow the fact we don’t like the sadness.

3. BE CURIOUS
Becoming curious about our experience is a key element in navigating our internal world. The more we develop the capacity to observe without judgment, the more we will be able to discover about ourselves.
Becoming curious about our experience is a key element in navigating our internal world. The more we develop the capacity to observe without judgment, the more we will be able to discover about ourselves.
One way to develop curiosity is to adopt the attitude of a biologist doing naturalistic observations. A biologist wanting to understand the behaviors of lions in Africa, for instance, has the goal of simply observing the animals in their natural environment without interfering. They would not say, “Oh, this lion should not be eating that gazelle.” Rather, they would patiently observe and record what they notice. If they intervened and tried to distract the lion in order to save the gazelle, they would not be able to see exactly how the lion behaves naturally.
We can take that same attitude toward our inner landscape. We can notice our emotions, body sensations, and thoughts and not interfere with them. We simply notice what we see and try our best to suspend judgment of what should be happening. With time and patience, we begin to see connections and patterns that reveal a deeper understanding of ourselves.

4. ASK QUESTIONS OF YOUR INTERNAL EXPERIENCE
Sometimes I will feel deep sadness inside and my tendency is to try to make myself feel different. But sometimes, I’ll directly ask my sadness what it needs. “How can I be with you in the most supportive way?” “What do you need?”
As much I don’t want to feel my experience at times, it is there for a reason—and the more open to understanding it that I am, the greater its chances of truly transforming. If I let my inner experience have a life of its own and honor its needs, it will likely reveal its cause and purpose.

5. FIND BALANCE BETWEEN CHALLENGE AND SUPPORT
There may be times when your inner experience feels unbearable, and observing it directly may be very difficult. At such times, it may not be wise to try to stay with it; finding a source of comfort and support may be the better thing to do. This is true particularly if you have trauma in your history. In these cases, staying with difficult material may be counterproductive.

6. RESPOND WITH FLEXIBILITY
We are complex beings, and there is no one formula to dealing with our inner experience. Each time we meet ourselves, something different may be required.
An important skill we must develop is flexibility of response. At any given moment, any of these tips may be counterproductive, and at another time they may be exactly what we need. With practice, we become more flexible and attuned to what is most supportive at any given moment.

7. REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE ONLY HUMAN
As committed as we may be to our inner transformation, we will generally fall short of our expectations. The truth is, the faster we are able to forgive ourselves—to be kind to the parts of us that feel shameful and that we can barely tolerate—the more chances for peace we have.
In addition, being able to let go of the self-improvement project is crucial. The very fact of wanting to improve ourselves implies a rejection of our present-moment experience or circumstances. As much as you are able, try to let go of any ideas of “making yourself better” and focus instead on accepting (or allowing) your experience be exactly what it is.

8. RECOGNIZE THAT HELP IS NEEDED
​We can’t do this alone; I don’t know anyone who can or has. In my own work, I have a tremendous capacity to fool myself and stay stuck in repetitive patterns for long periods. If it were not for the help and wisdom of others who have helped me in my process, I probably would not be where I am today.
The sooner we begin to allow others to guide and help us, rather than trying to figure it out on our own, the sooner our inner journey becomes so much easier. If you need help, please seek the support of a qualified therapist.


© Copyright 2015 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved. Permission to publish granted by Manuel A. Manotas, PsyD, therapist in San Francisco, California

Original article found at: https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/8-mindful-ways-to-deal-with-your-unpleasant-feelings-1028154?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=social&utm_content=blog_article&utm_campaign=GT_Facebook&utm_term=deal_unpleasant_feelings

December 4, 2019 • By Sharie Stines, PsyD

​Early attachment trauma is a distressing or harmful experience that affects a child’s ability to form healthy interpersonal relationships. It includes abuse, abandonment, and neglect of an infant or child prior to age two or three. These traumas can have subtle yet long-lasting effects on a person’s emotional health.
*Editor’s note: Early attachment trauma can also occur due to non-abusive circumstances, such as when a child is separated from their primary caregivers due to medical concerns. However, this article focuses primarily on attachment trauma caused by neglect and abuse.
UNDERSTANDING INFANT MEMORYAs adults, or even children, we cannot recall narrative memory from our lives as infants. For most, the concept of memory is thought of as the ability to recall events, usually in the form of cognitions and images. In general, people cannot recall any events prior to ages three or four. Because of this, there is a pervasive and inaccurate view that infants do not recall any experiences, including traumatic experiences.
In fact, the human brain has multiple ways to recall experience. Think about it. Infants, at some point, obviously learn to walk and talk. Everything that occurs in our human experience is stored in our memory. However, not everything is stored narratively or explicitly. We have motor, vestibular, and emotional memory as well.
All incoming sensory information creates neuronal patterns which are “imprinted” in our brains. These neuronal patterns are a form of memory. We create memory “templates,” or stored patterns, the majority of which are non-cognitive and preverbal. These templates will influence us for the rest of our lives.
WHEN ATTACHMENT TRAUMA OCCURSUnfortunately, when attachment interruptions (such as abandonment) occur in infancy, abnormal associations may be created. Physiological state memories, motor vestibular memories, and emotional memories are stored, and they can be triggered in later life. These triggers can manifest as mistrust or fear of interpersonal attachment.
Since the original template for how relationships work was formed in early childhood, all future relationships can be corrupted. The person may find themselves struggling with difficulties in relationships, particularly with respect to trust, bonding, and intimacy—the core elements of healthy attachment. Part of the problem may be the person having absolutely no cognitive awareness of the source of their fears or that they were betrayed in infancy. This can make treatment efforts difficult.
The brain is designed to change in response to experience, and all experience has an impact on the brain. With respect to traumatic experiences, the impact is on the parts of the brain involved with stress and fear. These would be the parts of the brain known as the limbic system (e.g., amygdala), neuroendocrine system (pituitary-adrenal axis), and the cortical systems; all of which can be altered in traumatized children.
THE INNER WORKING MODELHow a person relates to the self and others as an adult involves their “inner working model,” which consists of:

• How they see themselves (Am I worthy? Am I loved?)
• How they see others (Are they available? Are they responsive?)
• How they see the world (Is it safe? Is it fair?)

This inner working model has developed since birth and involves how relationships worked in the person’s life. Was the person attuned to and connected with? Or were they left to fend for themselves, crying themselves to sleep each day? The experiences people had with their parents and other important relationships shaped their developing inner working models.
As people progress through life, their working models can become further developed and influenced by each new experience. Remember, the brain is elastic (neuroplasticity), and neural connections can be “rewired” through experiencing all of life’s different influences.
That being said, the relationship templates people seem to draw upon the most are those created in early life. The job of psychotherapy, using the knowledge of neuroplasticity, is to create adaptive working model templates in place of maladaptive ones.
BARRIERS TO TREATMENTThe problem with early attachment injuries is that while implicit memory is affected, there is no explicit or narrative memory to recall.
This can create the following constraints in therapy:

• There is no image from memory to draw upon.
• There is no language associated with the psychological injury.
• There is no cognition associated with the early attachment trauma.
• There is no awareness of the injury.
• There is no body sensation associated with the hurt.
• There is no recognition of a hurt to repair or release.

Instead, therapist and client must “work with the gaps.” Veracity need not be challenged in the process. The goal will be to process implicit memory. This is good to know, but how does one, exactly, process implicit memory?
WORKING WITH THE ADULT WITH ATTACHMENT TRAUMAThe psychological injuries could involve both the self as well as one’s interpersonal relationships. Perhaps victims of early attachment disruption have an “internal attachment disorder,” mirroring the emotional injuries experienced in early childhood. Perhaps victims of this type of neglect have learned to alienate from both self and others as an essential survival strategy.
A key to recovery is learning to identify the person’s various parts of self. In order to heal the “hurt inner infant,” one has to be cognizant of the fact that there are various “parts” to one’s psyche, and each needs recognition.
It is helpful to realize that unresolved internal attachment issues can surface as otherwise normal life stressors that evoke the fears and feelings of one’s disowned, abandoned inner parts. You can help your client heal by teaching them to embrace the parts of self that were unconsciously “disowned,” even as these parts are causing havoc in their current life. This process involves befriending the parts of self by listening internally and paying attention to the likes, dislikes, fears, fantasies, and habits of each one.
HEALING THE “INNER INFANT”This involves imagery: visualization and learning to see within. Part of the process involves learning to embrace one’s inner infant by holding it close and nurturing the part of self that is vulnerable and lacking in trust. Healing will come as the person learns how to meet their inner unmet needs from infancy. Judgment has no helpful role in this process; instead, self-compassion and acceptance are key to recovery.
THE ROLE OF OTHERSIn addition to working with oneself, healing broken inner working models and relationship templates requires developing and nurturing healthy relationships with others. This can be done by being in relationships with people who already have a secure attachment style. It can also be accomplished through therapy and with the help of support groups.
References:

1. Fisher, J. (n.d.) Healing Early Attachment Injuries by Listening to Our Trauma: Using Sensorimotor Psychotherapy to Speak with Shameful Inner Parts. Retrieved from: https://www.psychotherapynetworker.org/blog/details/695/healing-early-attachment-injuries-by-listening-to-our
2. Garza, N. (n.d.) Learning to See Differently: Why the Adult Attachment Model Succeeds When Others Fail. Retrieved from: https://www.fulsheartransition.com/our-program/treatment/adult-attachment-model
3. Paulsen, S.L. (2017). When there Are No Words: Repairing Early Trauma and Neglect from the Attachment Period with EMDR Therapy.Bainbridge Island, WA: Bainbridge Institute for Integrative Psychology.
4. Perry, B. (2014). Helping Traumatized Children A Brief Overview for Caregivers. Published by: The Child Trauma Academy. Retrieved from: https://childtrauma.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Helping_Traumatized_Children_Caregivers_Perry1.pdf
5. Pietromonaco, P.R. & Barrett, L.F.(2000). The Internal Working Models Concept: What Do We Really Know About the Self in Relation to Others? Review of General Psychology Copyright 2000 by the Educational Publishing Foundation 2000, Vol. 4, No. 2, 155-175.

© Copyright 2019 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved. Permission to publish granted by Sharie Stines, PsyD, therapist in La Habra, California

Do you have nagging thoughts that you’re not good enough? Are you secretly assaulted by self-doubts? 


You’re not alone.  Those private self-bullying conversations are common to many of us. Often called the “inner critic,” this negative, self-critical voice can undermine how we feel about ourselves, our goals, and our effectiveness in life and work.


According to self-compassion researcher Kristin Neff, Ph.D. (2011), the antidote for self-criticism is self-compassion. Self-compassion is treating ourselves kindly – accepting our strengths and imperfections and treating ourselves with the same goodwill we would share with someone we care about.


Research indicates that self-compassion is not only better for our well-being but a more effective motivator than fear (Neff, 2011).  Self-compassion can quiet the inner critic, opening doors to greater confidence and feelings of security. This kind of goodwill guided inward boosts the body’s capacity to produce oxytocin, a hormone that influences social interaction and emotional bonding. Conversely, fear provokes feelings of insecurity and self-doubt, putting our brains and bodies on alert and triggering a fight-or-flight stress reaction.


Research reveals that self-compassion is not just a soft, feel-good choice. Rather “self-compassion involves valuing yourself in a deep way, making choices that lead to well-being in the long term” (Neff, 2011, p. 166). By offering themselves self-compassion, people are more able to cope with tough situations like illness, divorce, loss of job, and more likely to engage in healthier lifestyle behaviors such as nutritional eating and exercise (Neff & Germer, 2019).
If you want to flourish in your personal and professional life, conquering the inner critic can help you reach your full potential. Here are a few approaches to help you create a kinder, more productive relationship with yourself.


1 – Notice what you’re thinking about. Acknowledge the thought and then remind yourself that the inner critic voice is just a thought – that just because you’re thinking about something, it is not necessarily true. Remind yourself that thoughts and attitudes can be inaccurate, exaggerated, and biased by our personal experiences. 


2 - Respond to the inner critic by replacing negative critical thoughts with more accurate information. For example, a thought such as “I make too many mistakes, I’ll never reach my goal” can be balanced with a statement such as “I learn and grow from my mistakes and each one is another step toward reaching my goal.” Try writing down repetitive inner critic thoughts and the alternative statement you want to tell yourself.


3 – Release the Inner Critic. This strategy to manage the inner critic may seem silly, but many find it useful. When you notice that critical inner voice, release it. For example, if you’re working on a project and thinking a self-critical thought, you might toss it in the garbage can or throw it in a jar and tightly close the lid. This strategy can offer a respite so you can move forward toward completing the task.


4 – Embrace imperfection with compassion. Self-compassion is kindness channeled inward toward ourselves. Neff and Germer (2019) suggest that rather than resist our internal bullying, we can accept that life is difficult – that we are all imperfect beings in the human condition living imperfect existences. Try this:

• Pause.
• Gently ask yourself the question “What do I need now?”
• Grant yourself a moment of warm-hearted self-compassion, simply acknowledging that you are where you are, even if you don’t know the answer or how to respond to your needs or the situation right now.

5 – Remember you’re part of a larger whole. Check in with a supportive friend, colleague, or family member when your inner critic is shouting and you need a boost. Discuss the situation, request a reality check and some cheerleading. Have a “shortlist” of people you trust and can count on to offer encouragement and compassion when you need it.

6 – Each day be kind to yourself with self-care. Can you offer yourself a few minutes to take care of your mind, body, spirit? For example, take a walk, go for a swim, do some yoga, or engage in a mindfulness practice.

** This post is for educational purposes and should not substitute for psychotherapy with a qualified professional.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/flourish-and-thrive/201912/is-your-inner-critic-driving-you-crazy​

For some, the holidays are synonymous with a strong sense of familial closeness and love. But it can all be quickly sabotaged when relatives trigger each other, and chaos ensues. You’ve waited all year to be with those who you love, and then people don't getting along.

This time of year is also problematic if you are isolated without a close family support system. Loneliness is magnified. Memories flood in and what was painful becomes intolerable. Over half of Americans are socially isolated. (1) The medical wards are usually full because many people have increased problems around drugs and alcohol. It is helpful to understand the powerful nature of these childhood memories and how they are manifested in adulthood. 

Triggers
Any time you are anxious or angry, you’ve been triggered. Your nervous system has connected a current situation to a similar unpleasant past event. It doesn’t matter if the present or prior event represented a true threat. It just has to be perceived that way and the body will secrete stress hormones in its effort to resolve the problem. The sensation created by these chemicals is anxiety. Anxiety is the result of the reaction, not the cause. When you can’t solve the issue, more hormones are secreted, and you’ll become angry.


One of the most perverse aspects of the human experience is that the deeper your connections to others, the stronger the triggers. It is the reason why family dynamics can be so volatile. Most of your reactions to the world are programmed by your parents during the first 12 years of life, especially the first few. It matters little what your parents teach or preach; it’s their behaviors and attitudes that become embedded in your nervous system. If you have come from a chaotic family, your reactions to the present will be intense, although the present “danger” might be minimal. You needed to be hypervigilant as a child and your nervous system continues in this state as you age. You are and will continue to be hyper-reactive out of proportion to the circumstance. All of this is exacerbated in families dealing with chronic pain.


During the Holidays, you are around the sources of your triggers from your parents, siblings, children and other relatives. No wonder the Holidays can be problematic. Landmines are everywhere.


Suggestions
Now it’s the Holiday season, you have missed your family and want to be with them. What are you going to do? How are you going to handle if the situation if you are being triggered? Because it is likely to happen at some level. Here are a few suggestions, most of which I have learned the hard way. 

• Remember the problem with the strong familial triggers and concentrate on enjoying your family. Play may be challenging, but it’s also the reason you want to be with them.
• Don’t give unasked-for advice. They have survived the year without you and have you ever heard of a child listening to a parent at any age?
• Remember that when you are volunteering advice, you are really saying, “You aren’t good enough the way you are.” That is probably what your parents did to you when you were young. It’s also why most of us have the “not good enough” voice in our heads.
• Visualize yourself being angry and what your family is seeing when you’re in that state. Be the person you want others to be.
• If you get upset, quickly leave the room. Nothing is ever solved in a heated argument.
• Be curious and genuinely interested in what your family is up to.
• Don’t discuss your pain, medical care, politics, religion, or complain – about anything. After all, it is the season of joy regardless of your belief system.

Appreciate the fact that you have the opportunity to be with your family. Loneliness is crushing. If you are in this situation, you have my deepest consideration. We will talk a lot more about this later. Reconnecting with the world is a significant part of your healing journey.

The Mighty | By Kristi Hugstand
https://themighty.com/2019/10/husband-suicide-warning-signs/?fbclid=IwAR0Wo6UO4C4y2F4obrK_L6Wq0p2S70z7EXx_FHFdecQc8yKsNxzi3vi1whc

My husband, Bill, died by suicide on an autumn day in 2012 after months of deteriorating mental health.
Through the wise and regretful lens of time, I now see that Bill’s suicide plans were plain – if not obvious. Today I live with the regret of failing to recognize the severity of the warning signs he showed in the weeks and months before his death. I share these here in my desperate hope for a future with fewer devastated wives, fewer heartbroken parents and, most importantly, fewer Bills.


He lost interest in things he once loved.
Bill wasn’t just a gym rat; he was a fitness fanatic. He competed in bodybuilding competitions across the country. He prioritized his workouts above everything else. But in the months and weeks before his suicide, Bill didn’t seem to care as much. When a friend canceled workout plans, he wouldn’t go to the gym on his own. His muscle-ripped, 250-pound frame began to shrink. He just didn’t seem to care as much.
He talked about death.
It was usually theoretical, almost like he was just making obligatory conversation, but Bill frequently, even daily, talked about death. He mentioned deceased friends or family, stories from the news or even hypothetical scenarios about his own. I knew Bill was depressed, and while the talk was morose, I assumed it was typical of someone with depression and anxiety. What I didn’t know was that it is a hallmark warning sign for suicide.
He was abusing substances.
Bill didn’t just abuse substances; he was completely dependent on them. After years of steroid use to help him excel in the competitive bodybuilding world, Bill “needed” a host of prescription painkillers and anti-anxiety drugs to combat those side effects and cope with his deteriorating mental health. Sometimes Bill would quit these cold-turkey, sending him into a spiral of withdrawal that seemed worse than the dependence. It was a cycle he could never seem to break.
His friends died by suicide.
Bill wasn’t a stranger to suicide. In fact, three of his friends had died by suicide. At the time, I had no idea that knowing people who died by suicide increased your risk for doing the same. Now I do.
He isolated himself.
While he looked like the quintessential bodybuilder, Bill was a big softie at heart. He loved people. He loved helping friends. He loved talking to strangers. He called his parents regularly. But before he died, Bill became quieter, more subdued. His happy, easygoing self was clouded with worry and sadness. Once he disappeared for long enough that I called the police to report him missing. He returned, completely surprised by my panic, simply saying he just needed some time to think. As Bill cut himself off from the people he loved, it was a clear warning he was in trouble.
He’d attempted it before.
This wasn’t the first time he’d reportedly harmed himself. Months before his death, I awoke to a suicide note, short and to the point, and panicked before hearing Bill in the shower. I ran into the bathroom, and Bill told me he’d taken a whole bottle of pills the night before. After three days at the hospital, Bill was released.


These warning signs aren’t just lists included on suicide prevention websites – even though they appear on many. They’re the regretful reflections of a devastated wife. As autumn approaches, it is a significant season for me. October 10 marks the seventh anniversary of Bill’s suicide – seven years I’ve replayed these behaviors in my head, wishing I’d recognized them for what they were.
As I brace for the memories inevitably triggered by this date, it’s almost appropriate that September, National Suicide Prevention Month, precedes it. As I consider how best to honor my husband’s memory, I can think of no greater way than to help prevent more losses. If someone you love is exhibiting warning signs for suicide, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, or call 911 for immediate help.


RESOURCESIf you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741741.

Ace* started therapy when his girlfriend of three years moved out of their home. He was depressed, lonely, and sad. At times, he said, he felt like letting go. “Life just doesn’t have meaning for me anymore,” he said. “I don’t understand what happened. How could she just stop loving me? What went wrong?”


Noreen* suffered some of the same feelings when her college boyfriend ended their relationship. “He said he just didn’t want to be tied down. But I think he found someone else. I wasn’t good enough for him.”


What Ace and Noreen were struggling with is not unusual. According to many studies, the end of a marriage or a romantic relationship is high on the list of life stressors at any age. One recent study found that many individuals who are not normally depressed can experience symptoms of depression after a breakup. In her research into the stress of breakups, psychologist Kristin Gillen of Kalamazoo, Michigan, found that “romantic relationship issues are among the most common presenting concerns in university counseling center settings.” 


It might seem like a no-brainer to understand why the end of a loving connection with someone, especially someone you thought you might spend the rest of your life with, is not only stressful, but also painful. 


But here’s something that we don’t always think about in connection with a breakup: The end of an intimate relationship can also damage the way that you think about yourself. In other words, you can lose your sense of who you are in the world, what psychotherapists call your “self” or your identity. Understanding this loss of identity can help you figure out how to recover.


When Jules* left her boyfriend of five years, she expected to feel nothing but relief. “We were angry at each other all the time,” she said. “But I didn’t realize how much I took it for granted that he would be there when I came home. It’s lonely in the apartment without him.


"But there’s something else. We had a lot of mutual friends. We’d gone to college together, and we worked together, so our friendships were all woven together. Some of our friends have stayed connected to both of us. Some have chosen sides. But that’s not the problem. What’s really bad is that I don’t feel like myself with them anymore. I’m…I don’t know…they don’t treat me the same, and I don’t feel the same. It’s subtle. I can’t always pinpoint what’s happening. But it’s there…” 


Popular literature is full of examples. Robert B. Parker, author of the well-loved Spencer mysteries, describes the loss of self in his book Early Autumn:
 
You’ve been through a lousy divorce. For sixteen years or more you’ve been a housewife, and now all of sudden there’s no man in the house. You’re a little lost. 


Author Lauren Layne describes a similar experience in one of her popular romance novels. A thirty-five-year-old woman who discovered that her now-dead husband cheated on her says:  “I’m just so aware that my only identity these days is widow. And even more alarming, even before Brayden died, my only identity was wife. Before that it was girlfriend. I just have the weird sense that I’ve lost sight of who I am. If I ever even knew.” 

That loss of identity can happen after almost any breakup, even if the relationship was short and there was no marriage involved. The truth is, it isn’t a simple loss of identity, but a loss of a feeling of continuity as well. We often feel defined not just by a relationship, but within it. Some, or many of our friendships may be tied to that partnership. We often feel that people only see us as part of the relationship, so it’s not surprising that when it ends, we might feel that we’ve lost the essence of who we are—our self.


Psychotherapists today are very much aware that our sense of self is normally somewhat fluid. In other words, we don’t have one single way of being, but rather what the psychoanalyst Phillip Bromberg calls “a multiplicity of self-states,” all living under an umbrella of an overarching sense of coherence and “me-ness.” It is this mixture of “me’s” that leads to a feeling of becoming a childhood self when we go home to visit our parents, or allows us to feel pleased with ourselves one minute and self-critical in the next. It’s a sense of being able to contain all of the different selves in a cohesive and coherent, if loosely woven whole that helps keeps us resilient.


Interestingly, according to studies in the fields of attachment and neuroscience, our sense of identity is often framed within the context of others. That’s why we say things like “he brought out the best in me,” or “she brought out a side of me I’ve never seen.” It’s not that someone else can actually “make us” feel a certain way, but that we interact with different parts of ourselves in relation to different people. In the best of circumstances, a love partner can support and know a wide range of our “selves” and help us feel an overall sense of well-being and self-satisfaction, even while recognizing and accepting some of our less likeable “selves.”


When a relationship falls apart, it’s often because a partner isn’t serving that function, and we feel more like our worst selves in interaction with them. But even when that’s the case, the end of a relationship can leave us feeling lost, disorganized, and without a coherent sense of who we are.   


Dr. Gillen studied a particular aspect of this loss of self at the end of a relationship, in order to see if she could understand something about the ways that we recover from a breakup. She looked at a specific dynamic, called Sense of Coherence (SOC), a concept was first described in the late 1970’s by Aaron Antonovsky, who was trying to understand what made some people more resilient than others. SOC is, in general, a feeling that things make sense and will work out (albeit not necessarily as planned) in the end. In other words, as Dr. Gillen explains, SOC consists of three basic components: a sense that things are comprehensible, manageable, and meaningful. 


When a relationship ends, we can lose that sense of comprehensibility, manageability, and meaningfulness, and along with it, we can lose a sense of our own cohesive self. That self can, and usually does, return over time, although frequently with some new components added as a result of both the old relationship and the breakup. 


But Dr. Gillen found that a Sense of Coherence offers an extra factor in healing from a breakup. She found that individuals in her study who had a strong SOC managed their pain in part by looking at some of the ways in which they had grown from the experience. Sometimes they saw the relationship itself as having been a learning experience, and sometimes they saw the breakup as an opportunity for personal growth, and sometimes a little of each. 


Being able to see the ways in which you grow after a breakup doesn’t take away the sadness, pain, or feelings of loss. But it can help increase your resilience and make it easier to bounce back from the experience. Some of us have more difficulty looking for these signs of growth than others, and for some of us it takes longer to get there. But if you start looking, you’ll very likely start to see some ways that you have grown in the process. And that growth is going to be part of the self that you move forward with into the rest of your life.  

​https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-couch/201911/after-breakup-putting-yourself-back-together

Psychotherapist Salvador Minuchin developed the concept of enmeshment to characterize family systems with weak, poorly defined boundaries. The entire family may work to prop up a single viewpoint or protect one family member from the consequences of their actions. In these family systems, individual autonomy is weak, and family members may over-identify with one another. For example, a child may be unable to see their own interests as distinct from their parent’s and may defend that parent’s interests even when doing so is harmful.
Enmeshment inevitably compromises family members’ individuality and autonomy. It can also enable abuse. Abuse within an enmeshed family system is a unique sort of trauma. Some survivors of such trauma may not recognize their experiences as traumatic and may even defend their abusers. Because boundaries are weak in these family systems, family members who correctly identify their experiences as traumatic may be ostracized or even labeled as abusive.
CHARACTERISTICS OF ENMESHED FAMILIESMost healthy families are loyal to one another and may share certain values. In an enmeshed family, this loyalty and shared belief system comes at the expense of individual autonomy and well-being. For example, the entire family might support the idea of the father as a wonderful parent or great leader, even though he is physically abusive.
Enmeshment does not always lead to abuse, but it is a potent tool for shielding abusers from the consequences of their actions.
Some characteristics of enmeshed family systems include:

• Each family member fills a specific role. In most cases, these roles enable dysfunctional behavior from other family members. For example, the family peacemaker may smooth over conflicts the family abuser creates or might guilt other family members for attempting to build healthy boundaries.
• Enmeshment often begins when one family member has a mental health condition or substance abuse issue. Enmeshment normalizes harmful behavior and can be a way to avoid treatment.
• Enmeshed families often view dissent as betrayal.
• Enmeshed families may demand an unusual level of closeness even from adult children. For instance, an adult child with children of their own may be expected to spend every holiday with the family. If they spend a holiday with in-laws or with their own family, the enmeshed family may shun or otherwise punish them.
• Family members’ emotions are tied up together. It can be difficult to discern where one person’s emotions begin and anther’s end.
• There may be unspoken family norms that family members take for granted. Outsiders may rightly view these norms as unusual or dysfunctional. For example, an enmeshed family may have a norm of never calling the police on a family member who abuses their partner.

Some people also use enmeshment to refer to covert, or emotional incest. This is when a parent or other caregiver treats a child as a partner or equal. The parent may rely on the child for support and unconditional love rather than filling these basic needs for the child.
HOW ENMESHMENT ENABLES ABUSEEnmeshment does not always lead to abuse, but it is a potent tool for shielding abusers from the consequences of their actions. Enmeshed family members may be reflexively defensive of one another and view even deeply harmful behavior as normal and good.
Enmeshment can make it difficult for a person to form close relationships with other people. Without these relationships, it is very difficult for enmeshed family members to recognize that their family’s relational style is not healthy.
Even when enmeshed family members do form outside relationships, their enmeshed family may intrude on these relationships. Alternatively, the enmeshed person may view their family as normal and their partner as the problem. For example, an adult who gets married may still prioritize their childhood family over their spouse or may expect their spouse to defer to family members or accept abusive behavior.
THE TRAUMA OF ENMESHED FAMILIESEnmeshment itself can be traumatic, especially when enmeshment normalizes abuse. In other cases, though, enmeshment is the byproduct of trauma. A serious illness, natural disaster, or sudden loss may cause a family to become unusually close in an attempt to protect themselves. When this pattern persists well beyond the initial trauma, enmeshment loses its protective value and can undermine each family member’s personal autonomy.
Enmeshed family systems are often dismissive of trauma. A parent might dismiss their drunken night of abuse as a normal reaction to a child’s bad grades. In adulthood, siblings may defend a parent’s abuse by insisting that the parent was under immense stress or that the abuse was actually the children’s fault. By dismissing trauma as normal or deserved, enmeshed family systems make it difficult for family members to understand their emotions and experiences. In this form of gaslighting, a family might consistently substitute the family’s collective judgment for an individual’s feelings. Over time, the individual family member may struggle to distinguish their own emotions from the emotions the family insists they should have.
TRAUMA BONDING AND ENMESHMENTPeople who experience trauma or intense emotions together may bond in unusual and unhealthy ways. Patrick Carnes developed the concept of trauma bonding to characterize these relationships.
With trauma bonding, the cycle of abuse tightly binds family members, creating intense emotional attachments. In abusive relationships, the abuser may become abusive and frightening, then apologetic and extremely loving. Some abusive parents attempt to compensate for their abuse with gifts, special outings, or intense love. Many survivors of abuse report that, when their parents were not abusive, they were extremely creative, dynamic, and loving.
This intermittent reinforcement of love and affection can be very difficult to escape. The longer it persists, the more difficult it may become for a person to leave. Abuse survivors may truly love their abusers and believe that their abusers love them, too.
Even when survivors correctly identify the abuse and establish boundaries or leave the relationship, trauma bonding and enmeshment can affect future relationships. The cycle of abuse can feel normal in these situations, as an intermittent schedule of love and affection becomes the person’s point of reference for a relationship. This may cause trauma and enmeshment survivors to seek out and remain in abusive or enmeshed relationships. It can also make it easier for their family to pull them back into the abuse and chaos.
People who grow up in dysfunctional family systems may ignore their own emotions. They may question their memories, wonder if their trauma really happened, or believe that they deserve to be abused. Even when a person is able to see their family through a more objective lens, establishing boundaries can prove difficult. Holidays, family vacations, and other times of intense family closeness can trigger old habits and lead to new trauma.
Therapy can help a person draw clear boundaries, take their emotions seriously, and move beyond enmeshment. A therapist is also an outside voice who can help a person understand that the behaviors their family normalized are not healthy and that they do not have to remain trapped in their usual family role forever.
To begin your search for a compassionate therapist, click here.
References:

1. Carnes, P. J. (1997). The betrayal bond: Breaking free of exploitative relationships. Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, Inc.
2. Green, R., & Werner, P. D. (1996). Intrusiveness and closeness-caregiving: Rethinking the concept of family enmeshment. Family Process, 35(2), 115-136. Retrieved from https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1545-5300.1996.00115.x
3. Trauma bonding. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/trauma_bonding.html

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Original article found at https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/when-family-relationships-become-toxic-the-trauma-of-enmeshment-1016197

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and Kaiser Permanente conducted a longitudinal study comprising 17, 377 middle-class adults with an average age of 57 years. The study examined the impact of Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) on physical health and social functioning. They also examined the relationship between ACEs and adult health-risk-taking behaviors. The ACE Study divided childhood adverse experiences into ten categories. Under Child Abuse the three categories include emotional abuse, physical abuse, and sexual abuse; Child Neglect the two categories include emotional neglect and physical neglect; and Household Challenges the five categories include a mother treated violently, mental illness, divorce or separation, substance abuse, and an incarcerated family member. Participants were instructed to check the categories that reflected their childhood experiences. Each category equaled one point and based on the number of categories that were checked the participant could receive a score ranging from 0 to 10. 
The study results showed that adverse childhood experiences are common and two-thirds of the participants had an ACE score in two or more categories and one in six participants had an ACE score in four or more categories. The study revealed that high ACE scores in the first eighteen years of life are linked to poor outcomes in physical and mental health and social functioning. People with high ACE scores were significantly more likely to, as adults, engage in behaviors that placed their health at risk. The study found that an ACE score of six or more, decreased one’s life expectancy by approximately twenty years compared to those participants with an ACE score of 0.  It was also found that an ACE score of 7 or more increased suicide attempts by 3,100% compared to participants with an ACE score of 0.
One mechanism by which adverse childhood experiences result in long-term health consequences is by engaging in adult health-risk-taking behaviors. These include alcohol and drug abuse, having multiple sex partners, cigarette smoking, and compulsive eating leading to obesity. Adult health-risk-taking behaviors such as these are often an individual’s attempt at coping and self-regulating the experiences of emotional pain, anxiety, anger and/or depression related to unresolved adverse childhood experiences.
Cigarette smoking is associated with emphysema, lung and larynx cancer; and cardiovascular disease, such as heart disease and stroke. There is also a strong link between a high ACE score, child sexual abuse, and obesity. Obesity is linked to multiple poor health outcomes, including high blood pressure, Type 2 diabetes, osteoarthritis, and breast, colon and liver cancers. Since the outcome of physical diseases associated with cigarette smoking and morbid obesity are not manifested for many years, the root causes of the diseases can easily go unnoticed. Felitti (2003) illustrates the disconnect between adverse childhood experiences, adult health-risk-taking behaviors, and biomedical disease by using the following example of cigarette smoking:
Smoking, which is medically and socially viewed as a ‘problem’ may, from the perspective of the user, represent an effective immediate solution that leads to chronic use. Decades later, when this ‘solution’ manifests as emphysema, cardiovascular disease, or malignancy, time and the tendency to ignore psychological issues in the management of organic disease makes improbable any full understanding of the original causes of adult disease (Felitti, p. 254). 
Participants who received high ACE scores but did not engage in adult health-risk-taking behaviors were still susceptible to disease and negative physical health outcomes. Felitti suggests that long-term chronic and unrelieved stress overstimulates the brain and body, weakens the immune system, and poses increased risk for the development of cancers and autoimmune diseases like multiple sclerosis, rheumatoid arthritis, and lupus. 
References
1. Vincent J. Felitti, V.J. (2003), “The Origins of Addiction: Evidence from the Childhood Experiences Study.” Department of Preventive Medicine, Kaiser Permanente Medical Care Program. CA: San Diego, pp. 1-8. 
2. Karr-Morse, R. and Wiley, M.S. (2012). Scared Sick: The Role of Childhood Trauma in Adult Disease. New York: Basic Books.