November 21st, 2019

​“Why Aren’t You Pregnant?”
How to handle rough questions from family members.

Georgia Witkin Ph.D. 

The holiday season is one of joy and celebration with friends and family. But at any family gathering, you may be feeling anxious, wondering if you’ll be asked, “Have you met someone yet?” or, “You’re getting older. Why aren’t you pregnant yet?”
The impending gathering may be even more dreadful if you’re going through fertility treatment. The process is emotional and you may not be ready to be overwhelmed with questions. Plus, there are often babies and children running around the living room, which may cause added anxiety, sadness, jealousy, and dread.
But before you decide to skip it all and stay home, here are some strategies for dealing with your family’s well-meaning but insensitive questions:
1. Be Self-Protective. Before you spend time with your family, remind yourself that you are entitled to make your own life choices and don’t have to feel defensive. If you are not ready to start a family, or are struggling to start one, you don’t owe anybody your personal or medical information, not even your family. Tell others only what you want to share, and only when and if you decide to share it. You can always tell, you can never un-tell.
2. Take Control. If a family member gives you advice you don’t want or don’t need, take control. Let them know what you do want or need. Say something like, “I’m on advice overload but thanks,” or, if it’s a close relative, “I just need a hug and a laugh today.”
Rather than feeling like a victim of the conversation, you will be in charge and probably feel a lot more comfortable. You will also be helping others understand that even though the questions are coming from a good place, fertility and family building are very personal topics and it’s not always wise to breach the topic. 
3. Pivot. If the inquisitor is not a close relative or a favorite, just pivot. That means that when you are being asked if you’re engaged or pregnant yet, pivot the conversation to talk about another milestone or achievement: “Well, no, I’m not pregnant, but I’d love to tell you about my recent promotion.” This takes the spotlight off the question while still being able to catch up with your family member.
4. Be Honest. If you choose to talk about your age, your love life, or your fertility with family members, brave the conversation head-on. The statement, “I am struggling with infertility,” for example, will usually turn intrusive questioning into sympathetic support. If you feel like opening up more, you can do so. If you don’t, be honest about that, too, and then change the topic or walk away.
5. Label It. When all else fails, you can usually stop intrusive questions by labeling them. For example, you can say, “That’s an upsetting question," or “That’s an embarrassing question.” It’s a powerful way to remind people to put themselves in your position. It also gives them feedback without direct criticism; you are labeling their question, not them. They usually get the hint.