By Devon Frye
Late Tuesday morning, news outlets reported (link is external) that fashion designer Kate Spade had been found dead in her home after an apparent suicide. By mid-afternoon, Spade’s name had risen to the top of Twitter’s trending topics.
Experts in suicide prevention warn that when handled improperly, high-profile suicides run the risk of being glamorized by over-dramatized media coverage, which may lead to copycat suicides or the spread of stigma surrounding depression and mental illness. In the wake of these incidents, experts say, media outlets and individuals can (and should) take steps to talk about suicide in a more responsible, empathetic way.
How the Media Can Better Report on SuicideAs the public’s primary source of information following high-profile suicides, the media plays an important role in how these incidents are presented and interpreted, experts say. Following consensus-based guidelines—like those outlined in “Recommendations for Reporting on Suicide,” (link is external) a resource developed by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP)—can minimize the risk of “copycat” incidents or the glamorization of death by suicide. According to the AFSP, news outlets should:
Avoid sharing unnecessary details on the means or method of suicide. “The facts are enough,” says Elana Premack Sandler, an associate professor at Simmons School of Social Work who worked with the Suicide Prevention Resource Center on guidelines for developing prevention programs. “It is not helpful to know the exact details, as those details can sensationalize or glamorize death,” she says, which may make suicide seem more attractive to readers facing their own suicidal thoughts. If the deceased left a note, media outlets can include that information but should refrain from giving specifics on the note’s contents, according to Sandler.
Avoid language that criminalizes suicide. The phrase “committed suicide,” while commonly used, is discouraged by organizations like AFSP and the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, as the word “commit” is often associated with criminal actions. Instead, media outlets are encouraged to use “died by suicide” or “killed him/herself.”
Avoid language that inflates suicide’s prevalence. Referring to a “suicide epidemic” or an “explosion” of suicide rates, particularly after a widely-reported incident, may lead vulnerable people to believe that suicide is a widely accepted option, experts say. When suicide rates do rise—for societies as a whole, or for certain groups—outlets should report on the data without hyperbole.
Focus on the deceased’s life—not just their death. Spade “lived a beautiful life and contributed so much creatively, especially to people's individual experiences of joy,” Sandler says. “It is important to tell the stories of the lives of people who die by suicide, not just about their deaths. Those nuanced pictures provide a much more accurate portrayal.” Photographs, when included in a suicide-related story, should aim to present the deceased in a positive light; photos of the location, visibly distraught friends or family, or method of death should be avoided.
Always include suicide hotline numbers or links to other suicide prevention resources. The number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255) should be included in any story written on suicide, according to Sandler. The media has broad influence in the wake of a high-profile suicide, she says, and “when that power is used to encourage people who are vulnerable to suicide risk to seek help, the media can make a difference.”
Talk about suicide as mindfully as possible. “Suicide isn't something to talk about lightly,” Sandler says. It’s natural to want to talk about a celebrity’s death, particularly if it’s been highly publicized or appears unexpected—but “speaking sensitively, with an awareness that suicide is a personal issue and can be traumatic to individuals, families, and communities, is always important.”
Continue the conversation about depression and suicide. Many who have a personal connection to suicide may be reluctant to speak up about their experiences for fear of stigma, experts say, and the whirlwind conversations that follow a high-profile suicide may do little to mitigate that stigma. “These ‘teachable moments’ after the death by suicide of a high profile individual (can certainly be) helpful,” says psychologist Deborah Serani, the author of Living with Depression. “But real change comes if we can create an open dialogue” about suicide and depression that persists even after the news cycle has moved on.
Acknowledge that suicidal ideation and depression don’t discriminate—and may not always be obvious. “Depression doesn't care if you’re rich or famous, poor or homeless,” Serani says. “It doesn’t care if you’re ordinary or superlatively gifted.” When famous or wealthy people die by suicide, it’s common to feel as if they had everything going for them, Sandler says, but it’s critical to remember that “success does not protect anyone from struggle.”
Encourage anyone experiencing suicidal thoughts to seek help. Resources like the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (link is external) and Crisis Text Line (reachable by texting HOME to 74174) are available 24/7 for individuals in distress, and evidence suggests that most forms of depression respond well to treatment. “Depression is not an experience that fades with the next sunrise or can be shaken off with a newfound attitude,” Serani says. But “with treatment, the brain begins to function normally again—and there should be no shame in reaching out for help.”
Aristotle (384-324 BCE) claims that wit or good humor is a virtue and part of a good life. All virtues are means between the extremes of excess and deficiency, which means the right sort of humor hits a sweet spot between too much and too little. Aristotle calls those who go to the excess in raising laughs “vulgar buffoons.” These people go too far in getting people to laugh; they care more about getting the laughs than they do about how a joke might hurt, harm, or offend someone. Some buffoons try to ingratiate themselves with others or score points by using humor to take people down. There’s also a category of people who turn themselves into the butt of their own jokes. Their goal may be to ingratiate themselves to others or to make the jokes before someone else does. Buffoonery, when directed at oneself, does cause harm to a person, but that harm is often ignored or taken as the price one must pay to be accepted.
A person who is deficient in humor is boorish, according to Aristotle. A boor laughs very little, in part because he finds very little amusing. Furthermore, the boorish person may be impatient with people who laugh and see the humor in a situation. A boor most certainly will never laugh at himself. The boor emits more than a whiff of disapproval with a distinct undertone of superiority.
Both buffoonery and boorishness are unpleasant and even painful to others in related ways. The buffoon may take nothing (including himself) seriously enough, while the boor takes everything (including himself) too seriously. The buffoon and boor each take themselves out of much of the everyday social traffic of life.
What is the right sort of wit? Aristotle would say it is pleasant as opposed to buffoonery and boorishness. It is a gentle good humor not intended to harm or exclude. Right wit is not at another’s expense or one’s own expense. Wit connects people rather than severing or tearing them apart. Many people say they tease only the people they love or that gentle teasing is one way to show love. One must be careful with teasing because people’s tolerance for it varies tremendously. One needs to know someone fairly well before she teases him.
A person may also have the right wit about him or herself. Many of us tell on ourselves not because we are afraid someone will tell first (though that may be true in some cases), but rather because it is a way to make a connection to other people. Some of us can’t wait to tell on ourselves because we know others will appreciate our stories and that will only make them funnier.
There most certainly are different senses of humor and this can cause a variety of problems ranging from harmless to devastating. Wittgenstein (1889-1951) wrote, “What is it like for people not to have the same sense of humor? They do not properly react to each other. It's as though there were a custom amongst certain people for one person to throw to another a ball which he is supposed to catch and throw back; but for some people, instead of throwing it back, put it in their pocket." Not all people love wordplay and puns. Some love knock-knock jokes while others love seeing the absurd in a situation. Some people love sarcasm, which is a form of humor that easily becomes a weapon. The Greek root for “sarcasm,” is to tear or shred. Sarcasm most certainly builds connections within a group of people who delight in it while it can be utterly alienating and hurtful to those who do not. People who love sarcasm will toss the ball back and forth to each other. To the person who does not like sarcasm, it isn’t so much the other person puts the ball in his pocket but rather throws it at your head when you are not looking. This is not to say that sarcasm doesn’t have a place on the terrain of humor. It means a person must carefully wield it and not just because some people find it hurtful. Many people do not understand irony and sarcasm and may as a consequence take another literally. The claim, “I was only kidding and being sarcastic,” or “I was only joking,” may do little to redress a perceived or actual harm.
A person needs to be sensitive to the reasons why she is using wit and what she aims to accomplish in using it. The context is always crucial. A shared wit can defuse a situation or make people feel comfortable and welcomed. Humor can be used to call out a wrong or harm; comedians offer political commentary. People of the same persuasion find it humorous while others with a different orientation do not. The upshot is that humor may include and it may exclude; it may connect you to some and distance you from others.
Your sense of humor is a good barometer of how you see yourself and others. Aristotle might tell us to pay attention to what we find amusing and to whom it connects us. The company a person keeps says a lot (if not everything) about a person’s character. Aristotle might also counsel us to pay attention to when we lose our sense of humor, which may feel like losing a part of yourself. On the flip side, in regaining a sense of humor, you may get an old part of yourself back or make a new part of yourself. Wit is seriously important to our happiness.
If you are dealing with a narcissist in your life or grew up with a narcissistic parent, you may have experienced “gaslighting.” It is a form of verbal and psychological abuse that is insidiously cruel, with the intention of making a person doubt their own sanity. It destabilizes a person and can make you wonder about your own memory or perception of reality.
True narcissists are not accountable for their own bad behavior. It is common for them to blame others and make it someone else’s fault. They use denial, accusation, misdirection and lying to throw you off base. You can walk away wondering if it is just your imagination or if you are sorely mistaken and it is truly your fault. Here are some examples of how gaslighting can play out in relationships.
Claire used manipulative gaslighting on her brother Jack. She was jealous of Jack and when she would go to his house, she would steal things from him. She then proudly displayed those things in her own home. When Jack would visit and see the stolen goods, he would say, “Hey Claire, that’s mine!” Claire then would follow by telling Jack that he had given these items to her and he must have just forgotten! Jack told me he usually caved and chalked it up to his own lapse of memory.
A young woman wrote to me about her narcissistic ex-husband. He had not paid the light bill when they were married. He came home to find her and the children sitting in the dark with candles. She showed him the delinquent bill and he yelled, “I paid that bill, are you going to believe your eyes or me?” As they stood there in the dark!
We see gaslighting happen when a spouse decides to cheat and is attempting to conceal the infidelity. When confronted, it is common for them to accuse their spouse of being crazy, too jealous, or insecure. I’ve talked to many men and women who have been betrayed by their partners who say that for quite some time in their situations with a cheater, they actually thought they were just losing their minds and being unreasonable. They look back after finding the truth and wonder how someone could manipulate them in this way and with such conviction and forceful intent.
Brenda was in therapy discussing her narcissistic mother. When Brenda confronted her mother on childhood issues, the mother’s reaction was to say: “it’s just your imagination!” “You are too sensitive.” “That did not happen.” Brenda then recoiled in self-doubt and wondered if she had just made up her reality. She was left with the feeling that she did not matter.
Many adult children of narcissistic parents attempt to eventually confront their parents about their childhood. This usually does not go well with a narcissist and I don’t encourage it. What usually happens is the narcissistic parent denies the reality, calls their child a liar, or just says they don’t remember it that way at all. This results in the adult child feeling more angst, disappointment and pain. It leaves them with one more experience of not having their feelings validated or acknowledged and they walk away once again feeling loss and lack of authenticity with the parent. One client sadly joked with me saying, “my parents say come on home and visit, we will leave the gaslight on for you!”
Gaslighting is emotionally abusive and ultimately gives the abuser more power to dominate the relationship. It can happen very gradually, so the victim goes from just thinking they misread a situation to really believing they must be going crazy. This can cause long term damage to a person’s mental health resulting in mistrust towards others in general and can even interfere with the ability to form healthy relationships in the future.
If you think you are a victim of gaslighting, here are 5 suggestions:
For many people, sharing their lives with a companion animal (aka pet) has positive benefits while for some it doesn't (link is external). My own take on these matters is that regardless of what the science says, if living with a nonhuman companion works for you, then do it.
I just learned of a very interesting and important study by the University of Liverpool's Helen Brooks and her colleagues called, "The power of support from companion animals for people living with mental health problems: a systematic review and narrative synthesis of the evidence (link is external)" in which these researchers analyzed the extent, nature, and quality of the evidence from 17 international research English language papers. This detailed study is available online and is a fairly straightforward read. There also are direct quotations from participants that nicely summarize different sections of this research paper that focus on the pros and cons of choosing to live with another animal for emotional support. I'm providing some direct quotations because it's essential to understand precisely what the researchers did.
A short summary can be found in an essay titled "Impact companion animals have on owners (link is external)." Below are some snippets from the original research essay to whet your appetite for more.
Concerning the methods they used, the researchers write, "Quantitative evidence relating to the benefits of pet ownership was mixed with included studies demonstrating positive, negative and neutral impacts of pet ownership. Qualitative studies illuminated the intensiveness of connectivity people with companion animals reported, and the multi-faceted ways in which pets contributed to the work associated with managing a mental health condition, particularly in times of crisis. The negative aspects of pet ownership were also highlighted, including the practical and emotional burden of pet ownership and the psychological impact that losing a pet has."
The two review questions on which they focused were: (1) "What is the nature, extent, and quality of the evidence demonstrating the role of pet ownership for those with mental health conditions, with or without comorbid physical health conditions? (2) What is currently known about the mechanisms underlying any impact?"
The results of this study are very interesting and important. The researchers write:
Of the 17 included studies, 15 reported positive aspects of pet ownership for people experiencing mental health problems [9, 27, 28, 29, 30, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 42] and 9 reported negative elements [9, 27, 32, 35, 36, 38, 39, 41, 42]. Neutral effects of pet ownership were reported in some of the included quantitative studies, where no difference in mental health outcomes, social contacts or loneliness were reported for pet owners compared to non-pet owners [29, 32, 35, 40]. Benefits were mostly demonstrated through qualitative data, and negative elements, which were highlighted, were largely over-shadowed by co-occurring positive impact of pets in these studies [9, 27, 32, 35, 36, 38, 42]. [The numbers refer to references that can be found in the paper.]
A number of different themes emerged from their analysis. Each is accompanied by quotations from the people involved. These included:
Emotional work - alleviating worry, providing comfort and mitigating against feelings of isolation and loneliness ("The dog approaches Karin when she’s crying and comforts her by lying next to her and licking away her tears. The dog hears her, and wherever he is in the house, he comes to her. We can’t always comfort her. Sometimes Karin has said, ‘It’s a good thing we have the dog, otherwise, no one would be able to comfort me” .)
Practical work - physical activity and symptom distraction ("But if I’m here and I’m having…having problems with voices and that, erm, it does help me in the sense, you know, I’m not thinking about the voices, I’m just thinking of when I hear the birds singing .")
Pets as conduits to social interaction and emotional nourishment ("That surprised me, you know, the amount of people that stop and talk to him, and that, yeah, it cheers me up with him. I haven’t got much in my life, but he’s quite good, yeah .")
Biographical work - identity, a sense of self-worth and existential meaning ("For Irene, taking care of her companion dog facilitated a change in her sense of self, from seeing herself as someone who “destroyed anything [she] loved” to seeing herself as a loving, nurturing protector .")
There also were some negative aspects of living with a companion. These included financial costs, unruly pets, and the guilt people felt for not being able to manage the animals successfully, and the animals being barriers to travel. One person wrote, "I was trying to care for 3 cats of my own that I loved [and] stray cats in the neighborhood I was feeding. I tried to spay the ones that appeared to be pregnant, and I was putting food out twice a day, and I was just feeling overwhelmed, just overwhelmed and more and more depressed, more a sense of failure, and finally, it just got worse and worse and worse ."
The authors' clearly lay out what they found and what they recommend for future studies:
Despite some inadequacies in the data, this review suggests that pets provide benefits to those with mental health conditions through the intensity of connectivity with their owners and the contribution they make to emotional support in times of crises together with their ability to help manage symptoms when they arise. Further rigorous research is required to test this relationship, incorporating outcomes that cover the range of roles pets may have in relation to mental health identified within this review. The research studies included in this review provide a point of debate that services and policy makers may wish to consider in the future.
If living with a companion animal works for you and the animal, then do it
As an outsider to this field of research, I found this summary of the studies to be very informative. The authors are not saying that living with a companion animal is a panacea for all people suffering from different mental health problems. However, the data they analyzed do point to many benefits for people choosing to do so. In addition, this study and others like it will generate questions that need to be given close attention in the area of pet-assisted therapy. These sorts of discussions are sorely needed so that people can understand the pros and the cons of living with a nonhuman because it's not always necessarily rosy for either or both of the parties.
I often get asked whether living with a dog or other companion animal is really beneficial. A recent study conducted in Sweden showed that living with a dog had beneficial effects especially for people living alone. However, sweeping headlines often make it seem like sharing one's life with a companion animal is always beneficial, and unless people read between the lines, it appears like choosing to live with a dog, for example, is a panacea for all sorts of situations and conditions. It isn't. And surely, the nonhuman has to be part of the equation, because her or his quality of life has to be taken into account. Choosing to live with a dog (or another animal) has to be a two-way affair in which both the human and the dog benefit from the relationship (link is external).
Sharing your home and heart with a companion animal is a huge responsibility that could be highly stressful for people who just don't have the time, energy, money, or knowledge to give the nonhuman the best life possible. The animal also can suffer because of this. I've known, as I imagine many others also have, people with good intentions who choose to live with a dog and then simply can't do what's needed for their nonhuman friend to have a high-quality life. These people then get stressed out because they can't give their dog what she or he needs. So for them, the choice is not a good one, despite their good intentions.
All in all, while available data show that there are, indeed, some health and social benefits for some people who choose to live with a dog or other companion animal, I choose to answer the question of whether living with a dog is good for certain people by clearly saying something like, "Living with a dog is a good idea only if it's good for you and the dog." The living situation must work for the animals themselves (for more discussion of this topic please see "Living With a Dog Is Good, If It's Good for You and the Dog").
My own take on these matters is that regardless of what the science says, if living with a nonhuman companion works for you and the animal, then do it. I look forward to studies that focus on all individuals, human and nonhuman, who are part of the ongoing social relationship. When it's a two-way affair, it's a win-win for all. However, far too often it's not. In many—far too many—situations, dogs want and need far more than they get from us. Let's be sure that in the future the myriad relationships we form with other animals are far more egalitarian.
Sometimes talking through trauma just isn’t enough to make the pain go away.
A specialized form of therapy is growing in the Midwest. In February, 60 psychologists and therapists from across the Midwest were trained here in Des Moines to provide what is know as Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing.
At first glance, EMDR appears similar to hypnosis but mental health professionals assure us it’s not. Studies show it’s making a difference for patients struggling with PTSD and all types of trauma.
People often do not understand how traumatic ordinary life experiences can be. Some experience trauma and don’t even recognize it as the cause of lasting pain, and it can be intimidating to speak out or seek treatment.
In many cases patients are unable to overcome the trauma and it surfaces in the form of depression or leads to patients withdrawing from every day activities, work, friends and family.
“Trauma itself stores in many parts of the brain that are not verbal” says licensed psychologist Tom Ottavi. “That are much more feeling and sensory based. (EMDR) just helps tap into that.
In order to treat the depression, psychologists must first get to the underlying trauma behind it and EMDR is increasingly becoming the preferred method.
“We use eye movements by waving our fingers in front of the person’s eyes to help them accelerate their processing of old material so that it comes to the forefront and moves through the brain faster” explains social worker and EMDR and Beyond director Bonnie Mikelson.
The process appears simple, having patients focus on a therapist’s fingers moving back and forth, or a light bar making the same motion. Studies show the movement helps patients process past trauma, which is the first step toward coping and ultimately moving beyond the pain it caused.
“You want to bring that hyper arousal down so that the person can still remember what happened to them, keep what’s useful, but they don’t have that high distress.”
Mikelson, who led the recent EMDR training, believes the therapy can work for a variety of people.
“With kids we say we’re going to visit the yucky memory and allow them to think about it in a way they didn’t have a chance to when their ability to cope was being overwhelmed” says licensed mental health counselor and EMDR and Beyond clinical director Amy Terrell. “Because of that, it reduces the symptoms that children come into therapy for.”
Ottavi says the technique can even be effective in reducing physical symptoms.
“Literally fainting, going almost into comatose, or even seizure like activity can get worked through, and that’s very powerful because medicine isn’t going to touch that.”
Those who use the therapy say it has completely transformed their practice.
“It’s the client outcomes, it’s just been a game changer” exclaims Mikelson.
“I don’t see repeat clients for a reason. Because once something is gone, it’s just really, truly gone for them and they get to just go live their lives and that’s a pleasure to be a part of” says licensed marriage and family therapist and EMDR trainer Lindsey Olsen.
Leaving people with a better outlook on the future.
“A lot of times, people will say my job’s gotten better, or this relationship has gotten better, or I’m able to speak up for myself when I wasn’t able to before, or I’m able to set boundaries with people where I wasn’t able to before” adds Olsen.
EMDR is not a new therapy, research began back in 1989.
Use of the technique continues to grow and most insurance companies now consider EMDR a medically necessary treatment for PTSD.
For more information check out emdrandbeyond.com.
When we feel depressed, we are more likely to get stuck in cycles of repetitive ruminative thoughts that have a negative emotional tone. We may regret the past, judge ourselves as unworthy or unlovable, blame others for our problems, or anticipate a bleak future. These ruminative cycles exacerbate feelings of sadness, shame or anger, and interfere with motivation to try to move on or actively solve problems. Depressive thought cycles like these seem to be entrenched, and are very difficult to break, even when we try to use logic to refute the negative thinking. Ruminative thinking makes depression worse and is even a predictor of subsequent depression in non-depressed people and of relapse in previously depressed people.
What Brain Processes Underly Depressive Rumination?
Recently, scientists at Stanford University have begun to uncover what might be going on in our brains during depressive rumination. A July 2015 study, “Depressive Rumination, the Default-Mode Network, and the Dark Matter of Clinical Neuroscience,” authored by J. Paul Hamilton and colleagues was published in the journal Biological Psychiatry. This study statistically combined several previous research studies using meta-analytic tools and came to the conclusion that depressed people had increased functional brain connections between two different brain areas:
The subgenual PFC helps to direct the DMN towards reflecting on and trying to solve the problems which the brain considers most pressing or important for survival. This process can be functional if such reflection actually leads to finding new answers or taking effective action.
In depression, the subgenual PFC seems to go haywire, hijacking normal self-reflection into a state of mind that is negative, self-focused, and withdrawn. In this state of mind, we continually reflect on our problems in a repetitive, negatively-toned way, but are de-motivated to actually engage with the world so as to solve those problems. Depressed people tend to go on and on talking about themselves and their problems, yet seem mentally stuck and unable to move forward. The fact that they can’t just “snap out of it” is consistent with the idea that a dysfunctional brain network may be involved in depressive thinking.
What You Can Do to Combat Depressive, Ruminative ThinkingTry Transcranial Magnetic ImaginingSome preliminary research shows that this intervention may change abnormal functional connectivity within the DMN.
Deliberately Focus on a TaskIt doesn’t matter whether it’s tidying your closets, doing the laundry, or doing a crossword puzzle, getting an “on-task” focus can de-activate the DMN and instead activate the “on-task” areas of the brain.
Take a Walk in Nature A 2015 study by Bratman and colleagues from Stanford University, published in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Science found that for healthy participants, a 90-minute walk in a natural setting, decreased both ruminative thinking and neural activity in the subgenual prefrontal cortex whereas a 90-minute walk in an urban setting had no such effects on either rumination or neural activity. In other words, walking in a natural environment seems to open up your thinking in a way that lessens the grip of the faulty brain network.
Focus on Your SensesDeliberately focusing your attention on what you are seeing, hearing, feeling, sensing, or smelling right now, can help your brain get out of an automatic mind-wandering state and de-activate the DMN. Instead, you focus mindfully on your direct experience in the present moment, which activates the “on-task” network.
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Practice MeditationMindfulness meditation is a practice that can teach you to gain control of the focus of your attention—to be more aware of what you are thinking about and able to redirect your focus. In one small study (Brewer et al.) that scanned the brains of novice and experienced meditators, the experienced meditators showed less DMN activation and reported less mind-wandering during three different meditative activities (like watching the breath or doing a compassion meditation).
It's true that Valentines Day is saturated with commercialism and false sentimentality. Still, why not use it this year to try out a new you. Every relationship is a laboratory in which you can try out new behaviors. Consider these:
1. Warm His/Her Heart. Celebrate Valentines Day by practicing kindness and generosity, even if your partner is behaving badly. Do the little things that make him or her feel loved, valued, and chosen. Remember that you can communicate interest, generosity and love in nonverbal ways, as well as with words and language. A simple gesture—a hand on a back, a nod, a smile—can make your partner feel seen and cared for.
No matter how distant your marriage has become, and no matter how dense you claim to be about relationships, come up with three specific actions you can take to make your partner feel loved and respected on Valentines Day. No expert in the universe knows what warms your partner’s heart the way you do. It’s deciding in advance what your three things are --and doing them--that’s the hard part.
2.Give Him/Her a Break—Tell him/her What You Want. Your partner may be about to blow off Valentines Day—and it‘s important to you to celebrate. Don’t wait until he/she forgets, as if you’re giving him/her a test that you’re waiting for him/her to fail. Give the poor guy/gal a break and remind him/her a week in advance. Tell him/her what you want, even though you think he/she should know. (“I want you to make a reservation at our favorite Italian restaurant, and I want a Valentines Day card. And don’t forget—I hate flowers!”) Don’t count on him/her to have learned from his/her mistakes from last year.
3.Call off the Chase. If you’re married to a distancer, Valentines Day is a good time to call off the chase. Don’t use this special day to “process” your relationship and talk about how the two of you never talk. Instead, just talk.
4. Don’t pursue him/her. Valentines Day is not the time to bring up your partner’s lack of warmth, interest, and attentiveness, or to compare him/her unfavorably with your best friend’s romantic husband/wife. If, say, you go to a movie and you’re upset that he/she doesn’t hold your hand or seem to acknowledge your presence, let it go. When you leave the theater, just talk about the movie. Surprise him/her with praise, just when he/she imagines you’re going to hit him/her with criticism.
5. Overcome Your L.D.D. (Listening Deficit Disorder). Listening without defensiveness is the ultimate spiritual act and the most precious Valentine’s gift that we can give our partner. Decide in advance that on this special day you will enter every conversation with the goal of asking questions and listening only to understand. This means that you don’t interrupt, argue, defend yourself, correct his/her exaggerations or distortions, or bring up grievances of your own. Save your defense for a future conversation on another day.
5. Forget about being right. Try to catch yourself when your focus on being right blocks you from working toward a common purpose—having a great Valentines Day together!
Article guest written by Paige Johnson
Winter may have been tough on you and your family, but as the weather improves, so can your family’s wellness. All you really need is a plan to address everyone’s exercise, diet, and mental health.
Image Source: Pixabay
Family Time Indoors & Outdoors
After being cooped up all winter long, your family is probably dying to get outside and do … well, anything! But spring weather can be very unpredictable. Some days, it’s nothing but blue skies and warm breezes. Other days are full of wind, rain, and yuck. That’s why it pays to plan some family activities for both outside and inside.
For when the spring weather is cooperating, a great way to get physically well is to plan a healthy picnic. Let your family pick out some healthy foods, then take a long hike before spreading out the blanket and food. And if the weather is bad that morning, you still have a nice lunch.
For younger kids, bubbles are great inside or outside, especially if you can get everyone to chase them down. The same is true for play dough (or even mud if everyone is wearing something that can get very dirty). And sidewalk chalk can be used outside on the actual sidewalk or inside on a chalkboard or basement wall.
They Are What They Eat
You know the importance of eating well, but spring is a great time to start everyone off on a new, healthier way of eating.
You should start seeing cheaper fruits and vegetables now that the season is closer (and more variety too), so explore the different healthy options now available at the grocery store. Let everyone have a hand in picking options for snacks and meals (making sure there are no wild suggestions, of course). And on days when it’s nice out, you can even break out the grill and cook up some low-fat proteins like fish or chicken.
Eating well can provide several benefits to your family. It controls weight better to help fight childhood obesity. Proper nutrition improves everyone’s immune system, helping them fight the seasonal flu and colds. Avoiding foods high in carbs, starches, and sugars can even improve your family’s mood by avoiding the blood sugar swings.
Beating The Winter Blues
It may not be winter anymore, but those winter blues can linger. Whether it’s the lack of sunlight or spending too much time inside, your family’s mood can be low — and everyone’s minds are part of their health. That’s why you shouldn’t neglect getting happy this spring.
Exercising and eating well together will both help a lot. Your bodies need exercise to release good chemicals, and feeling physically fit really is its own reward. But you can work directly on happiness by making sure you do things fun for everyone.
Break out some board or card games and bring them to the park. Make sure you give hugs to everyone. It doesn’t matter how old you are, as physical contact is vital to being well. Just be sure to stick to your routines, as changing too many things can be stressful.
Make This Spring Fun & ActiveNow that winter is finally gone for another year, you have a great opportunity. Plants and animals are all waking up and getting active this spring, so your family should do the same so everyone is healthy.
Vicarious Trauma and the Value of Self-Care for Therapists
Vicarious Trauma is an ongoing topic in the world of therapy. It is something that can be difficult to recognize in oneself until it is having a negative impact. As therapists, we can never underestimate the importance of self-care and self-awareness on our ability to not only do our jobs, but to live our lives as we wish to. This article was found on the GoodTherapy.org website, written by Wendy Salazar, MFT.
Vicarious Trauma and the Value of Self-Care for Therapists
June 27, 2016 • By Wendy Salazar, MFT, GoodTherapy.org Topic Expert Contributor
People are drawn to the helping professions for many different reasons. They may feel a calling to assist in relieving others’ suffering and to help them heal from their emotional wounds. They may have been traumatized themselves and wish to share the coping skills they’ve learned with others going through similar issues. Or they may feel caring for others brings meaning and a sense of purpose to their lives.
Whatever their reasons for becoming a therapist or other helping professional, they often experience vicarious trauma through the stories told by the people they work with. This secondary trauma, also referred to as compassion fatigue, can seriously hinder their work if they remain unaware of its negative impact and/or do not practice sufficient self-care strategies.
Becoming aware of the signs of compassion fatigue is the first step in addressing the issue. The following are some red flags:
Preoccupation with the traumatic stories of the people they work with
Emotional symptoms of anger, grief, mood swings, anxiety, or depression
Physical issues related to stress, such as headaches, stomachaches, fatigue, or problems sleeping
Feeling burned out, powerless, hopeless, disillusioned, irritable, and/or angry toward “the system”
A tendency to self-isolate, be tardy, avoid certain people, or experience a lack of empathy and loss of motivation
Some of the professionals most likely to experience compassion fatigue include therapists, social workers, child welfare workers, emergency workers, police officers, firefighters, and ministers. However, anyone working with trauma survivors is susceptible to vicarious trauma. Helping professionals who have been subjected to trauma themselves also may be more at risk for developing compassion fatigue, especially if they have not worked through their issues.
Developing an adequate self-care strategy is key to preventing or overcoming vicarious trauma. Some of the techniques that can be used include:
Maintain a good work-life balance. This involves taking time off to recharge and avoiding working long hours and/or carrying too heavy of a caseload or workload.
Exercise to relieve stress. Developing a good workout routine is important to help increase feel-good endorphins and improve one’s outlook on life. Taking a yoga class, doing aerobic activity, or even just going for a walk can be invigorating and help change one’s perspective.
Start a meditation practice. Initially, try sitting quietly for just 10 minutes a day, then gradually increase the time to 20 minutes. Meditation has many benefits and can assist one with feeling more peaceful and grounded.
Develop a good social network. Having a good support system in place is important in order to be able to connect with others in a meaningful way.
Use humor to unwind. Humor is good medicine when it comes to relieving stress and improving one’s mood. Watch a comedy, play with a pet, read a funny book—whatever moves you and helps you relax.
Reconnect with Mother Nature. Being out in nature is therapeutic, whether you go for a hike in the woods, a walk on the beach, or just do a little gardening.
Get involved with activities outside of work. Take your mind off of work by taking a class or engaging in a creative endeavor such as drawing, painting, or writing.
Meet with a therapist to discuss concerns. Even individuals in the helping professions can benefit from meeting with a counselor, especially when they are experiencing compassion fatigue. A compassionate therapist can help put things in perspective and help identify additional coping skills.
Although all helping professionals are in danger of developing compassion fatigue, especially when working with individuals who have experienced traumatic events, having a self-care plan in place can help reduce the risks.
Salazar, Wendy. "Vicarious Trauma and the Value of Self-Care for Therapists." GoodTherapy.org. GoodTherapy.org, 27 June 2016. Web. 28 June 2016.
Content of this article can be found at the following link: http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/vicarious-trauma-value-of-self-care-for-therapists-0627164
This article came from the GoodTherapy.org website, an excellent resource for articles covering a wide range of topics targeting both clients and therapists. This article focuses on the significance of childhood wounds in couples work, a factor that can be overlooked by couples therapists but is very important to recognize in many cases.
Revisiting Childhood Wounds in the Context of Couples Work
January 23, 2015 • Contributed by Marian Stansbury, PhD, Imago Relationship Therapy Topic Expert Contributor
In November 2014, I wrote an article titled How Couples Therapy Can Help Heal Childhood Wounds. This article is a response to some of the comments that were made. Some agreed with the piece, while others challenged it, which I appreciate.
It takes two partners being in agreement to pursue healing in a relationship. One person commented that “… having someone with you who will fully participate in that recovery process with you could be amazing and what an experience to have the opportunity to do together!”
We don’t seem to have a choice about old, unresolved issues surfacing in a marriage, as that is the way we are wired. Whatever you have experienced is stored in your neural networks and will show up when activated, especially a hurt or wound. The good news is that it can be reprocessed. And the most effective way to reprocess the old material is through experience, not reasoning.
Whenever you find yourself upset at a 7-10 on a 0-10 scale, it is likely that something in the present triggered an old wound.
One person questioned if these things aren’t better hashed out alone. There is much that can be accomplished in individual therapy, and you may want to meet with a therapist alone in preparation for couples work. But there are many issues that show up only in a committed relationship. A marriage is different than a relationship with a therapist. It brings up different issues.
As an Imago relationship therapist since 1996, I have had many opportunities to witness that just what one partner needed to heal was exactly where the other would benefit from stretching and growing.
It isn’t reasonable to expect your partner to give you what you needed in childhood without identifying and asking for what you need. Our partners are not mind-readers. When you express your need and ask for what you want, it is a loving gesture when your partner cares enough to offer it for your joint benefit. Hopefully, you have a partner who values his or her growth as well.
Safety is a primary requisite for healing to happen. By having a loving partner with whom you feel safe, hopefully you will have the space you need to face any fear about visiting the old hurts. If safety is not present, healing and growth are not likely to occur. Speaking individually to your therapist so he or she can help you formulate how you will communicate your issues safely to your partner may be of benefit.
It is true that emotional needs from childhood that didn’t get met don’t go away just because you have reached adult age. The emotional brain learns through experience, not rational reasoning or time passing. It is through the experience of having the need fulfilled, regardless of your age, that emotional healing takes place.
You can grow and move past the old hurts that keep you emotionally stuck. It would be nice if you had all your personal issues worked out before you married, but that is not usually the case. It is in this intimate marital relationship that old patterns from our relationships with parents or childhood caretakers show up.
As a parent, you will tend to parent the way you were parented; that is what is familiar. Unless you make a conscious decision to do things differently, you are likely to repeat what was done with you with your children.
By parenting your children effectively, you can help heal your childhood wounds. As your children reach certain ages and developmental stages, it is not unusual for you to revisit memories of when you were that age. When you give your children what they need for their emotional growth, you also receive it.
It isn’t fair to ask your partner to bear the brunt of things you experienced as a child, but that’s what your partner will do until your issues are resolved. I don’t think in terms of what is fair; I think in terms of what is. What you haven’t worked trough emotionally will come up in your relationship. There seems to be no way around this except by going through the healing experience.
One commenter on the aforementioned article remarked how this process can “allow you to go back in time in a safe way.” I totally agree that it can be a “very enlightening experience.”
Stansbury, Marian. "Revisiting Childhood Wounds in the Context of Couples Work." GoodTherapy.org. GoodTherapy.org, 23 Jan. 2015. Web. 28 June 2016.
This article can be found by following this link: http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/revisiting-childhood-wounds-in-the-context-of-couples-work-0123154:
I write articles based on my experience as a therapist or a training or conference attendee. Many of these articles are written by others who are experts in their field and I share their information as resources for others.