How to forgive – Four types of forgiveness

As people, forgiveness is a necessary part of relationships at times, and at times this can be hard.  Is it really necessary to forgive to move forward as an individual, in a relationship?  I recently read a book called “How Can I Forgive You? The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To” by Janis Abrahams Spring, Ph.D.  This book outlines four types of forgiveness and the impact each can have on moving forward in relationships or on your own.  The four types of forgiveness are Cheap Forgiveness, Refusing to Forgive, Acceptance, and genuine Forgiveness. 

• Cheap Forgiveness: “a quick and easy pardon with no processing of emotion and coming to terms with the injury” (p. 15).There are different forms of cheap forgiveness stemming from the following:
  • The Conflict Avoider – Act as though nothing is wrong on the surface but inside are still hurt
  • The Passive Aggressor – Quick to forgive with words, still hurting inside and sabotage the relationship despite the words of forgiveness
  • The Self-Sacrificer – Puts others first, valuing the needs of others over one own, only an issue when forgiveness is done out of habit rather than with content or circumstance in mind
• Refusing to Forgive: when deliberately hurt, refusing to forgive may seem to be the most self-affirming way to demonstrate that your feelings matter, with forgiveness seeming to be too generous.This usually comes in two forms:
  • Aggression – taking active measures to voice or demonstrate hurt or pain by putting the offender through significant struggle to validate your own feelings of suffering
  • Detachment – turning your back on the one who hurt you
  • Both methods are meant to teach a lesson
• Acceptance: “a gutsy, life-affirming response to violation when the person who hurt you is unavailable or unrepentant” (p. 53).There are ten steps to acceptance
  • Honor the full range or your emotions
  • Give up the need for revenge but seek resolution
  • Stop obsessing, re-engage in life
  • Protect self from further hurt
  • Frame offensive behaviors in terms of his/her personal struggles
  • Look honestly at your own contribution
  • Challenge false assumptions
  • Separate the offender from his/her offense
  • Carefully decide the type of relationship you want going forward
  • Forgive yourself for your own feelings (p.53-55)
• Genuine Forgiveness: “Essentially interpersonal” requiring active participation from both the hurt party and the offender (p. 123).There are three main interpersonal features:
  • Genuine Forgiveness is a transaction – it’s not granted unilaterally but is shared between two people
  • Is Conditional – It must be earned, meaning there is a price that the offender is willing to pay
  • Requires a transfer of vigilance –a shift in preoccupation takes place where the offender demonstrates that they are fully conscious of their wrong-doing and intend to never repeat it.The hurt person becomes less preoccupied with the offense and begins to let it go (p.124).

None of these methods of forgiveness or lack thereof are wrong.  All have their merits and all have their drawbacks.   Genuine forgiveness allows the relationship to move forward with both people having addressed the offense and moving forward, the other forms are one sided and for the offended person though the offender may benefit in some way as well.  It is important to recognize that forgiveness is not always necessary, but that is a choice you must make as the hurt party.  Finding it in yourself to forgive or not, is a step towards moving forward from the offense against you.  What type of forgiveness or not is right for you?
 
Written by Michelle Stewart-Sandusky
Spring, Janis Abrahms. How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not to. New York: HarperCollins, 2004. Print.